enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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One day at a time.

Further to my last bit of nonsense, I need to repeat this to myself:

You have it within your own power to change whatever you truly want to change. You have the tools to do and create whatever it is that you want in your life.

This is true. I do well with truth. I need to write more crap out and stick it up all over my walls. (I already have lots of crap all over my walls but really why not post more?)

The paradox is that I like it that life is difficult. If life were easy I'd not see the point at all. I DO see the point in life as it is, however, as there is always a hill to climb.

When I was on my bicycle tonight coming back from the lookout I realized that I prefer the uphills to the downhills.

On the downhills I am going at a raging speed and all I can think about is how gravity and a rock are going to take me down to the pavement one day.

When I'm climbing a 2 mile hill or something, however, all I can feel is the muscles of my thighs working, and my lungs puffing in and out in concert. I'm moving slowly enough that I am seeing nature and feeling it envelop me. I like it. I feel as though I am living fully when I am within that space. I should have said more thank yous for that space when I was on the ride today. I suppose it is OK to say them now. What a beautiful space I am permitted to ride within.

And of course I have my bandaid trip to Italy coming up. I'm being pessimistic to think of it as "two weeks and then that's it." If I think of it more as an adventure and a project in feeling what is possible in life and in the company of others, I can hold that within myself forever. How sad that we forget too soon.

OK. What else am I grateful for? Well I'm grateful that super C. is soon going to be a doctor. I will love to see his life bloom as he gets that monkey off his back and frees up some more time. I want him to be happy and his life rounded out.

I'm grateful that I have GREAT hair at the moment. Now that all of the damaged bits from last year (more or less) have been cut out, my hair is all my own natural colour. It fluffs out everywhere and is in general ill-behaved but I love it anyhow.

I'm also grateful that I can read and that I have great books all around me. I'm grateful that I have beautiful paintings to look at in books and on prints on my walls. And I'm also grateful for you lovely people, as well, who inspire me in many, many ways.

Soon I'll be grateful for ice cream. I'm going to go out and buy some. Chunky monkey, anyone?

9:24 p.m. - 2008-08-27

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