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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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And the packs of cycling dudes were all going DOWNHILL as I was huffing and puffing my way UPHILL. One waved though. ;)

Let me start this entry by stating that I'm a bit of a knob, shall we say, so do not feel obligated to offer any comfort in light of my silly entries.

Honestly, I realize that there is something wrong with me. I've always been like this. I get so disappointed in other people that I almost recoil from them. I'm definitely happier around people who are truly special to me than around a bunch of acquaintances. As a result I tend to withdraw all of the time, except from people who are really special to me (e.g. C.).

Take M., my female friend in Ottawa. I don't go out with her anymore because I find her to be a tad controlling. It gets on my nerves.

I don't go out with Ava much anymore because I don't want to talk about her marriage, especially given that I've known her husband two years longer than I've known her. (I did have coffee with her husband last week though, as he works in my building. That was nice.)

I have an invitation to go out with another girl sometime. It's a standing invitation and I keep on pushing it off because this girl is depressed. I really like this girl but she's the kind of person who EVERY TIME you talk to her only has negative things to say. And in public. All you do is ask her how she is doing and she says, with a sigh, "Terrible!" If she were a closer friend it would be OK, but as it is I just feel drained when I'm around her.

I think that I need to be more accepting of people's foibles. I need to give more of them more time. And, more importantly, I need to get out and meet some new people. I really hope that I meet some nice people at my art class. Actually, I've been a slob and not contacted that guy, B., who runs the art studio. His friend whom I chat with at the coffee shop all the time is a guy who wants to be a blacksmith.

I mean, a BLACKSMITH!

Seriously, that's a dude I can like. His friend is probably a decent guy.

Man am I ever BABBLING as usual.

Today was definitely rough. I tried to feel positive but I actually cried a bit on the way to work. I just feel so tired of my life here sometimes.

And then, of course, I was also reminded that I HAVE THE WORST MEMORY EVER. Every month, like clockwork, I forget my hormones ticking away. It's stupid really. It's willful ignorance; willful blindness.

Ah whatever. I'm human.

So tonight I made sure that I left work by 5:15 so that I could get in a ride up to the lookout I've been photographing lately on the weekends. I wanted to make sure that I could get in 2.5 hours of cycling before the sun set.

I had a great ride, really, although it took almost a full two hours for me to uncoil myself (I like the French word better - d�canter) from three days with the senior economist.

Seriously, I HATE THAT GUY.

Today, he was in one of his super-hyper moods. He walked by my office about fifty times (I kid not). At one point I had closed my door so that it was open but only by an inch. The guy just pushed my door wide open and thrust his body in.

I must tell you, in case I never have before, that I DO NOT REPORT TO THIS GUY. He's simply on my team. Of course we are not equal in the hierarchy because his position is on a higher level, but he is not in charge of me in any way. And the guy was coming - BARGING - into my office to get me to do something for him so that he could present it to someone else. (When I mentioned it to my boss later on my boss looked surprised.)

Honestly, this guy is a slick operator. He knows how to present things just so. He makes it look as though he is doing lots of work and coming up with great ideas. He never gets caught. But I have never seen anyone do less at his salary level. I suppose it is an art. If I were more shrewd I suppose I would try to imitate him. But I, dear friends, am the type of person who always takes the opposite, unrewarded way. I can't not be thorough and diligent and inefficiently overworking.

Well.

So at least I did something today. It wasn't a great day and my attitude - my expectations - were very low but at least I tried.

I did have one very sad thought when I was up at the lookout. There were couples making out, and all I could think of is that line from B3fore Sunset: "It made me feel cold, as if love weren't for me."

Yeah. It does feel that way sometimes. Often. As if love weren't for me. And the saddest thought that I had today was that I don't want to go to Italy. Italy is a bandaid on a sad life. I'll have a great two weeks but then it will be back to this. Something to think about.

Tomorrow I'm going to force myself to go to either yoga or to the art gallery (Thursday is late opening night) after work. Every day I will force myself to go out and do something. In the minimum it will distract me from any sad thoughts.

:)

Thanks again for your notes! You're all lovely and I have no desire to prey on your kindnesses or sympathies!

Have a lovely evening!

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8:38 p.m. - 2008-08-27

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