enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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A wave of pessimism came out of nowhere!

Very short on time!

I shouldn't be writing.

I woke up feeling SO pessimistic this morning. HOw awful, non?

Pessimistic is not really who I am, but sometimes I just feel overwhelmed and impatient and convinced that things can never change.

For starters, my mom is acting weird again. She won't give me some information that I need. It's not that important, but I just wish I understood why everything has to be a fight. It's awful. I know that that is her problem though and not mine.

As for everything else, I have to tell you that I know that everything else is my fault. When people are alone and unsatisfied in their relationships or their jobs, say, it's pretty much always because they are not fully at peace with themselves. Whehever I look at my girl friends who are single and moaning about it, I can see clearly why they are single. With C., it's the same thing. For me, it's that I'm still stuck in the way that I was stuck four years ago at the start of this diary. Really, it's sad that I can't get "unstuck." I keep on trying to do the same things - work hard at work, but enjoy my "alone" time more than anything - and everyone knows that doing the SAME thing and expecting a different result (e.g. greater connectedness, etc.) is just DUMB.

I know that I need to find ways to get out of my rut, but it's definitely not easy. Sure I can ride my bicycle. Sure I can do my volunteer work. Sure I can get promoted. Sure I can take an art course. Nothing seems to pull me out into the world though. I need to find another major goal like running!

OK. The foregoing was a way of talking myself into acting. It never works but I figure if I keep on saying it enough it eventually will.

I imagine that it's a little bit like being fat. People when they are fat are really stuck, until something finally clicks and they have the will to stick to the changes that must be made. Finding that place in yourself doesn't happen immediately. I understand this with respect to changing my set patterns in relation to activities and other people. I relish my private time too greatly.

So what I'm saying is that I know that not feeling contented in my life, or interested enough in my activities is all my own fault. I know it and I can't seem to change it.

Oh well! Better run off to work. I'm going to have to pump myself up on my way over there. :)

8:54 a.m. - 2008-08-27

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