enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Self-esteem workshop. Attempt 1.

OHHHHHHHHHHHH...

So I wrote what I wrote earlier and then just now I was thinking about it and I realized that I really need to turn things around. In a way, I suspect that those men in the meeting are mostly afraid of me. I can even see it in the body language of some of them, if I'm honest about it. I know more about data and modeling than they do. I can correct them. So I need to remember this and not be afraid to push through. I might sometimes make mistakes myself but that is OK.

Soooo...

I went for a run and it was OK. my calf was sort of bothering me a little bit at the end, but not much. I was starting to think that it wasn't the achilles at all, really, since there was never any pain either directly on or around the achilles. It may be that the heavy cycling on hills has tightened my calves too much.

So that makes sense. I've never before had achilles issues; they're not my particular biomechanical bugaboo.

It was nice to run, but sometimes it becomes very apparent to me as to why C. does not have a girlfriend. He can be so moody sometimes! Tonight, he slowed down near the end so I waited for him whilst he went down on this sort of tow path, and then I told him that I wanted to walk the last 200m to my house to "cool" down. And when I got there a couple of minutes later I could see him running off down the street. He hadn't even stopped at my house! He didn't tell me that he was going on! Sometimes I don't know WHAT goes on in his head. If you knew him you would know what I mean - he can be so stupidly cross sometimes.

And THAT my friends, is why we don't date. If you knew me in person you'd be shocked by how cheerful and bubbly I am. Well, except when I am quiet.

Ah well. There must be somethign that I was going to say. Oh yeah. I did BoXx's list. I'm kind of dissatisfied with mine, as it seems not right. But this is what came to mind:

Make a list of :
#1. At least 5 of your strengths, for example, persistence, courage, friendliness, creativity.

I don�t know! Persistence, discipline, empathy, creativity (in problem-solving), adaptability, cheerfulness, wit, enthusiasm, imagination, courtesy.

#2. At least 5 things you admire about yourself, for example, the way you have raised your children, your good relationship with someone in your family, or your spirituality.

Um� My patience with and tolerance of others in my life. My ability to be unselfish. My ability to make others around me feel comfortable and appreciated. My loyalty as a friend. My playfulness/joyfulness. My flexibility and persistence in the face of obstacles.

#3. The 5 greatest achievements in your life so far, like recovering from a serious illness, graduating from high school, or learning to use a computer.

Um� I really haven�t done anything yet that was truly difficult. Maybe gradually piecing myself together, bringing myself slowly to a feeling of peace and hope for the future. Teaching myself to believe that I deserve good things, and giving myself a chance to experience them.

#4. At least 20 other accomplishments � they can be as simple as learning to tie your shoes, to getting an advanced college degree.

Um�I guess I taught myself to run, when my mother had always told me that I was not athletic and couldn�t do sports. Persisting in running my first marathon even though she told me that I looked stupid when I ran. (True. :) My mother really does say stupid, mean things sometimes.) I can�t think of anything else. Maybe persisting in my job, even though it has been very stressful and painful to deal with. Taking control of my home environment, eating, time. Beginning to cycle! Taking the plunge and signing up for the course in Italy.

#5. 10 ways you can "treat" or reward yourself that don't include food and that don't cost anything, such as walking in woods, window-shopping, or chatting with a friend.

This is a good one. I don�t do this very much. This weekend I walked to the farmer�s market in my favourite red dress to buy my favourite fruit: raspberries. Go to the library to get a new book. Read new book. Run a bit. Ride my bike. Sing out loud in my apartment. Dance around the living room. Yoga and pushups. Knit with the yarn that has been sitting there for a long time. Stretch. Write to my favourite friends whom I miss so dearly, e.g. Kat.

#6. 10 things you can do to make yourself laugh. Listen to Talking Books podcasts. Listen to that Nuala O�F. interview with Eleanor again. Be myself � I can make myself laugh. Read smart lit.

#7. 10 things you could do to help someone else.

Volunteer more. Put more money aside to pay for more foster children. Invite an elderly person to have a coffee. Flash my winning smile as I walk down the street. :)

#8. Things that you do that make you feel good about yourself.

Try not to feel ashamed that I like pretty clothes, especially dresses, but buy prudently and save carefully. :) Exercise. Cook great food. Try to volunteer when I can. Offer support and graciousness to friends and colleagues, etc. Read. Hopefully draw (soon!)/express myself. Get lots of sleep and stay hydrated and thereby energetic. Set precise goals at work and achieve them. Slow down with the exercise/allow myself to relax and not require myself to be �perfect.� Take the time to figure out who I am/what I want, rather than settle for something else out of fear. Take the time to prepare lunch and snacks for work, rather than waste money by buying food.

See? Unsatisfactory. I guess I'm not very proud of myself yet. OH well. I will keep on working. I will be much more proud once I finally manage to stop talking and start DOING that switch from being all about work or all about athletics and being all about creativity/imagination.

OK. I should prepare lunch. And drink a little bit of wine. There - that's something that I can do for myself! Drink!

9:35 p.m. - 2008-08-12

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