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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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With apologies to Fifi for theft. :)

OK. I will have to come back later to do BoXx's self-esteem questions, because C. is due over for a run. (I get to test my achilles today!)

So...today was awful. I was having an anxiety attack all day! I was actually in a meeting and I found myself holding my breath, afraid to speak. In the immortal words of Fifi, "WELCOME TO FRANCE?!?"

I mean, I feel so fine and happy otherwise at the moment. Actually, for the first time in my time at this job I feel like I can occasionally even correct my boss, and also that people have respect for the work that I've done. I still have many things to GET done, but my big project finished and so many people - much to my surprise - have said that I've done it much better than any previous versions of it had ever been done.

So WELCOME TO FRANCE???

I even feel pretty good self-esteem wise, given that I'm enjoying the cycling, reading, moving forward with everything...and going to Italy!

I even feel good in the face of dating. (I just a few moments ago moved forward in communication with a few guys on that fancy website - I figure that I need to get some practise, get my feet wet, whatever. They seem like mature, nice men with that more involved and pricey service. So whatever.)

The only thing that I can think is that it is something that C. observed a long time ago. He said, and I quote, "Your problem is not depression, or anything else. Your problem is anxiety. This anxiety comes from the fact that when you were a kid you moved basically once a year, your dad got really ill when you were six, and your mother constantly pulled the rug out from under you. Therefore...whenever things go well you start to cringe and fear, expecting the good not to last."

That's exactly what happened to me in my running, too. When I became good and people started watching me, I stopped sleeping entirely for days before races. I couldn't breathe. (And if any of you have had panic attacks you'll know that feeling of tightening in your chest that makes you feel as though you're going to die.)

Really, it's FRANCE ridiculous!

UGH!

I even listened to my audio book "Pass Through Panic" today when at work. (I know, not good at work, but I was at a loss. I was sitting in my office, working on a couple of things, and I couldn't breathe!)

Really, not good. I need to start fresh tomorrow.

And I repeat: I'm feeling so good and happy and excited about my future with my interests. Everything otherwise is good. And my stomach has been so well since I quit the gluten again! It's all good. I feel clear-headed and smart and healthy to a degree that I didn't in the winter. So I definitely don't need pity.

Anyhow. I think I will wrap this up right now, as otherwise I will not be ready for C.'s arrival.

I'm very tired today, so maybe I had a bad dream or had something disturb my sleep last night, too.

Puzzling. FRUSTRATING. WELCOME TO FRANCE. Also, I know that it is not good to think too much about this. That would make it worse. So I will try to drop it.

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7:20 p.m. - 2008-08-12

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