enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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My mug.

I had a dream last night. Quite a serious, grand dream, and I couldn't figure out what it was all about. I was running the London Marathon again. Only this time I was running not to compete, but rather just to have fun. It felt great.

I thought about it today and I started to think that that might be a nice plan for next spring. I could take a week or so, go to London and run for charity dressed as a giant chicken or something (costume suggestions welcome :), see my favourite "second" mom, Jane, and her kids, in Suss3x, and then go on to Paris for a few days. I would go back to Italy in the fall or even in the summer. It could be nice. I even looked at the entry ballot online. The thing is that I could contact the elite coordinator and get a free entry, but then I would have to run fast. Even 3 hours would do, but that would involve training and pain. I don't really go in for pain anymore. At the same time, if I enter by the normal channels and don't put my truthful time down, I might not get a bib. Hmm... At least I have a few months to decide.

More honestly, I started thinking about how much I have always wanted to live in London, if only for a year or two. If only I had the funds to take an art course or something. I could try to find an economist job, of course, but I started to think that maybe I could try to find some sort of a paid internship as an archivist, take a year's leave...Hmmm...Incidentally, I AM going to apply for the Paris job, although without serious intentions.

Well, so many more thoughts. (And I promised that I would try to stop thinking!) I opened up one of the last boxes that my mom had sent to me, and surprisingly found not only my Shakespeare anthology but some of my old trophies. The most exciting one is from my first race win. I've told the story before - I rode my bike to two ferries and across an island en route to NY state, and rode all the way back with my prize of a hand-painted glass mug delicately balanced over my handlebars. It almost makes me choke up to think of how free and open and adventurous I was then. Instead, I will use it as hope that I can conquer this level of paralysis that I've been feeling and be myself once again!! I'm happy that my mom didn't throw it out. :)

You know, I saw my landlord going out last night, as I went down to put out the garbage. He is always happy to see me. (Again, why is it that old men love me so much???) And the suave old devil was going out to dinner, all slicked up in a lovely jacket and shirt. I was impressed. In the course of the conversation he invited me to come to have breakfast with him any day (no thanks!), and invited me to go to Paris with him this fall. (After he gets back from Vancouver, and before he goes to Poland and then Russia!) If only I could meet a man with his charm, musical talent, interest in travel, and general bon vivant nature, but twenty years less in accumulated years! :) The important point though is that I told him that I haven't been feeling well, and that I'm not very happy (which is why I haven't come to see him lately). His answer, a good one: "Just work and take the cheque. And then forget about it. Then, go out there (pointing outside) with your charm."

Good answer!

I've decided that I am going to go and buy myself an apartment piano. I miss music. I miss everything. There is no time to waste. I need to think young again. I was too thin here, but still. I used to actually go out of my apartment. And sometimes even with cute boys!

9:50 p.m. - 2008-08-03

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