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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Drying off.

So I really want to delete the last three silly entries. But you left nice comments and I don't want to delete those. Thanks. I know - I'll copy the notes. I do want those entries gone.

Blighty said something sensible: stop thinking so darn much.

It's exactly my opinion, too. I just wish I could do it. Even Larry dumped me because I "analyze everything." (Not that that was a loss. :))

The thing is that I just can't stop! I wish I could. I wish it were easy. I have tried to turn my brain off. I haven't found the switch that will stay off. And I'm not just saying that I've tried and yet secretly I haven't. Honestly, if I could be someone else I would be. In a heartbeat. I feel as though I am in a constant duel with myself to not be this irritating person whom I find myself to be. I often despise myself for constantly sabotaging my own happiness. It's like being caught in a nightmare at times.

I don't know why some people are configured one way, and other people another way. I guess I should be pleased at least that I'm not a scary or cruel person. I do damage to myself and myself alone. If anyone finds the permanent solution to this, please feel free to share. If they find that a part of the brian could be removed to blunt the fear and blunt the need that I feel to mute the fear with some sort of analysis, I would happily undergo the surgery. Yes, often, I wish I were like other people seem to be. I wish I knew the way.

I know that many other people out there who experience similar anxiety, or maybe depression, or some other ailment, feel the same way. I can feel their suffering. If only someone could just reach in and permanently take it away. Please. Slay this dragon for me. I'd even gladly be dull and stupid, if only I could stay steady and confident in my ability to handle what comes. You have no idea how tired I am of fighting. Tired of fighting with my nature. Tired of fighting with the program that is running my brain. It's difficult to explain. But it does feel like a battle. And I so want it to be over so that I can move on and live in the fullness of my potential as a human being. I wish that for everyone.

Just got back from Shakespeare in the P@rk. Got thoroughly soaked! Saw a pirate boat! Really! Pictures at some future point.

Take care.

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9:53 p.m. - 2008-08-02

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Come al solito - 2011-04-16
unfettered spending - 2011-04-15
How does it go? - 2011-04-14
Whirlwind. - 2011-04-13
bleak that flips over to daffodil - 2011-04-08