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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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A run did me some good. Though I am still SOOOOO tired.

Eating olives. I just can't tell you how wicked I find olives to be. Do you agree?

These ones are spiced kalamatas. Mmmmmmm....

C. and I went for a run tonight. I suppose I had a revelation of sorts therein.

I mentioned to C., as he was telling me about the latest of his stupid advances towards women with whom he has nothing in common, that last night I finally deleted my pictures and everything from that complicated dating site.

What a waste. I've been on a grand total of two dates. It's not their fault (the guys, that is); it's mine.

I'm sure that it must work for some, but I find it too arbitrary. And I find it embarrassing. Fundamentally, I know that I need to change my behaviour significantly.

Anyone think it weird that whenever I travel I end up with two or three instant boyfriends?

Yeah, I know. It's that I am forced out of my apartment and I talk to people. I'm a nice person. I am interesting to talk with. I laugh a lot. I make other people laugh. And I show interest in and listen to other people.

This means that many men like me. I pretend that it is not so but the truth is that the problem is almost always with me: I don't go out anywhere and I don't look up. Or when I go out I go with C! (And don't even get me started about work. I keep my head down at work, read the newspaper at lunch, leave the office only when I know that no one else will be in the elevator or downstairs. I'm a right hermit-woman, because I can't stand men flirting with me at work. It's a bit of a phobia, maybe. ;-) Really, I never want anyone at work to be able to say that I am a flirt. I want to be respected for my work. I would loathe being distracted from proper thinking by a boy. :))

So there you go. That is the honest truth. I need to meet someone very specific. I need to meet someone like M., with whom I can be 100% honestly, naturally me. This person will be artsy but to a degree at least steady and practical. It's pretty obvious.

So I need to force myself to go out. Not to meet men, but to build a different life than the sereptitious online life that I substituted because I was not ready to do anything else. I need to get out so that I can be super-excited about many things.

This is good. I am definitely about to get out of this rut. I can feel it. I mean, what is it all about, really? What it is all about is fear. And fear is often irrational. At least my fears are. I should know by now that even when the worst happens in response to one of my actions, it is usually not that bad. I am very, very strong. I always forget that!

Have I mentioned as well that I believe that I have finally "broken" my mother? I know that that sounds horrible. But if you've read any of my long history you'll realize that my mother is DIFFICULT. My mother is the source of many of my confidence issues. Really, it is straight transference from her.

Anyway. So the point is that I'm finally finding that she's doing what I want her to do: sending my books, agreeing to be quiet as to what I SHOULD BE DOING WITH MY LIFE. I think she's finally started to realize that I am NOT GOING TO BACK DOWN. She also realizes that as soon as she tells me that I should change my hair or fix up my apartment or marry some wanker, she's going to get silence radio.

Really, my mother is an unbelievable control freak. (It is no coincidence that my friends call her Lynne Martha St3wart. There should be a theme song that starts up when she enters a room.) I am amazed that she is finally starting to treat me with respect. I'm quite impressed.

Of course, I don't feel inclined to give her too much space in my life. But still, of course, it feels much, much better to give her some than none.

Soooooo. That is all for me. Maybe the demons are letting go of me after all. May be.

I really do find this diary to be very funny at times. I wonder if any of you would find me to be the same in person as in this space. I'm completely honest here; it's just that in person I think I'm more like a playful puppy dog than anything. With serious eyes. :)

More seriously though, I'm a very hopeful person. I believe that often people's feelings reflect simply a confluence of circumstances. Something tips the balance. But just because the balance has been tipped doesn't mean that it can't be tipped back again. I fundamentally believe that, although woefully difficult at times, if I can harness the power of choice I can constantly shift into a new and richer place of hope. I think that this is true. And truth is both my absolute favourite word and my favourite wish, in spite of the fact that I work day in and day out to present some version of "there is not truth." And more than anything I wish that hope can be a catalyst for hope in others.

Sometimes when I can look objectively at my life, I realize that it's all been about misplaced longing. (Frankly, lately, it's been about longing boxed up in the corner of a grey tweed office, begging to be let out.) C. asked me tonight what I would change and I answered flatly and boldly: I would have a driving passion again. I need that. It's not here yet but I need it so badly.

Well, off I go. I need to finish those OLIVES. Mmmmmmm....

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9:54 p.m. - 2008-07-29

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