enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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So I'm at home and I find it to be torturous!

So I can't believe I am saying this but I am on a sick day (or 3/4 of a sick day) and I am burning up with guilt! I can't enjoy it!

I went to the office this morning and I mentioned to my acting chief that I have a sore throat and a bit of a temperature. He didn't want me near him since he is going on vacation as of Friday - fair enough - and he sent me home.

I should be happy. I think I need a "mental health" day more than anything.

At the same time, I've never before taken a sick day! I feel so guilty. I feel lost.

When walking home from the office I thought about it (yes, the danger of thinking interferes again), and I pinpointed what is going on. It's that I feel fear. I feel fear that I will fall behind. I feel fear that I will not be taken seriously. I feel fear that I will lose my job.

I'm completely irrational, I realize. (Even my eyeballs are burning at the moment.) But the thing is that when you're me and you fundamentally feel that you're not "normal" or "competent," and your biggest concern in life is hiding who you are from people so that they won't figure out that you shouldn't be there...this is what happens.

Anyhow. Interesting insights for me. Time to forget about them now and to try to make the most of the day!

On the way home I stopped at the fair trade coffee shop, and I was AMAZED to see the number and variety of people who are NOT AT WORK.

I want to be one of those people. They all look so lovely and relaxed.

Some of them must be retired, some on vacation, some students, some self-employed...

I don't know why I was surprised to see that there are so many people walking around - the labour force participation rate of those over 16 is only something like 60% (I always forget the exact number for everyone in the working age population.).

I mean, where else would the people be in the summer but...out and about?

It's funny how I've forgotten already what it was like to be a student. I wish I could be a student again. I'm not sure right now what I'd study, but certainly it would be something for pure pleasure - art, history, philosophy, literature.

Well, if everything were had there would be nothing to strive for or for one to hope to achieve.

I should probably eat something, or sleep or something. Already since I've been home I've repaired an old black cardigan that I'm hoping I can spruce up sufficently that it can replace the one that was stolen at the pub. I just can't seem to let myself go. Perhaps I should force myself to meditate the day away by sitting on the window ledge and staring out. I wish I had a balcony or porch on which I could have a beautiful garden.

Incidentally, if you want to read a fabulous entry, go to teranika's page to read about her history with roommates. I found the story very poignant and full of a wonderful personality. Good storytelling is such a gift - it's one of the great pleasures that I find myself treated to on diaryland!

12:02 p.m. - 2008-07-23

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