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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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A lovely, lovely day. Sometimes you just need to exert extra effort to flush out the anxiety.

Thanks for your wonderful notes!

I really wasn't sad or upset at all this morning when I wrote that. I perhaps should have said so explicitly.

It's just that yesterday I found myself quite anxious and tense in the chest. I always know that there is a problem building because I start to hold my breath. I was practically hyperventilating by about 7 p.m. last night, which is why I took myself for a run.

The run definitely calmed me down, and then C. and I went to the movie, so I managed to back away from the anxiety for a while.

But then I woke up this morning very unsettled, and I could tell that I was coming out of a dream about my cousins.

The funny and interesting bit is that I didn't know exactly what was bothering me or what I was thinking about it until I wrote it down! It's as though I write so much and so rapidly these days that I have become unable to access my thoughts in any other way. A little bit scary, I think.

At any rate, I just wrote it out and then I knew exactly what had wound me up. I also knew exactly what I would do about it. Of course I will meet with my cousins. My view, however, is that one isn't obligated to have a relationship with one's biological family. I believe that life is too short to force oneself to deal with truly toxic people. It's not a matter of forgiveness here. There is nothing not forgiven. I just don't owe anything to anyone just because their parent and my mother were siblings. They're just other people like all of the other people in the world with whom I can spend time and caring. I believe, as BoXx said, that our friends can become our families. Families are built of people who love and care for each other. Blood is just biology. And let's face it: biological relationships often form out of BIIGGGG mistakes. :)

I'm really not a bitter or spiteful person, and I've always been supportive of and kind to my grandfather. This is true in spite of the fact that he had never reciprocated. I had continued emailing him with updates of what I was doing in my job and so on, but he never replied. After a while it just gets too hurtful to constantly accept rejection and mistreatment. After a while you have to take back your self-respect.

You can't force other people to fix their own problems. That's the way it goes.

So that's all I have to say about THAT. :)

Today was a fantastic day. I even grew to LIKE Ottawa a little bit, if you can believe it. I cycled like crazy on my sports car bicycle. It is so fast that you would not believe how fast I have to peddle to get any workout at all on it. It is a rocket.

So I need a name for my bicycle. The model name is Rouba!x, so I was thinking of calling it "Ruby," after my old bicycle "Raspberry," who was stolen. My bicycle is in fact blue, however, so I was thinking of either "Ruby Blue," or just "Bluey." ;-)

OH so great. C. and I rode 30km out to a bay to watch boats being launched. And then we rode the 30km back with a detour to a little beach community (I am SOOOO totally going to buy a house there one day :)). It was heavenly. I felt so free. C. was in a much better mood today, too, so we had much more fun together. It was like the old C., my best friend C., just as it was when we lived together a few years back. (BoXX - there is no attraction between C. and I. We actually started out by dating in 1999 when we first met, but we really were not meant to be a couple. We just don't click in that way. We're like brother and sister. Besides, he is WAAAAAYYY too controlling. He's also not in the least bit artistic. He rejects everything spiritual. He can't understand the importance of *environment* for happiness. I could go on... ;))

So now I know exactly what I need to do every weekend: ride my bicycle out into the country. It does a body good. And it does my head so much good as well. UGH BUT I FORGOT TO TAKE MY CAMERA THIS WEEKKKKKKK....

After the ride I rushed in to get cleaned up slightly before meeting my friend down the street for lunch. I love this girl but she is frequently annoying. Today she had invited a friend of hers to join us.

I wouldn't care except that she always does things like this. When we went to the symphony together a couple of months ago she brought along two people who weren't too keen on the symphony. They complained that it was boring and then left at intermission.

Today, the annoying part was that for the first half an hour the two of them talked about wedding rings, wedding rings and travel, wedding rings and swimming at the beach, marriage registrations, wedding gowns...you get the picture.

They are obviously both married. They are both in their late twenties. They have both been married for a couple of years, so I really saw no point to the conversation. The conversation started because it is currently wedding season and they have friends who are getting married.

BUt my lord, people, please learn some tact. I am not married and I know absolutely nothing about wedding rings or wedding registration if you decide to get married in Turkey, so please do not make me suffer through this BEFORE the appetizers, and at 1 p.m. when it still is not very accepted in Canada for someone to order a drink.

(Well, in Ontario, anyhow. We're still rather uptight.)

My friend also does not drink so I prefer to respect her preferences. Oh and it's too hot and I was dehydrated.

:)

I think that that is it. After the wedding ring crisis passed the conversation was actually quite pleasant and my friend A. and I lingered after her friend left and we had a great conversation. So I feel all buoyed up and great, and I'll prepare a light dinner and some lunch for tomorrow and watch a movie or read, and I'll be ready for the week.

Unfortunately I did no drawing this weekend but I will plan to leave work on time and come home and do some tomorrow. All will be well.

And besides, I am going to Italy in 7 weeks or so! :) YAYYYYYYY With the cycling training that I am going to do in the next few weeks I am going to just FLY up the hills with M. in Tuscany!

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5:08 p.m. - 2008-07-20

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