enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Some very silly thoughts from a very silly woman. :)

OK. So I'm going to tell you how my evening went, because it kind of cracks me up.

First, I deigned that I would go to the pub. And indeed I did go to the pub.

But the pub was waaaay too crowded for me to have any hope of getting a table. Who knew? I mean, all of the patios in the neighbourhood were full and my pub is underground and small, so I didn't expect anyone to be in there in summer.

Oh well. It was the kind of situation in which I could perhaps have stood behind a bunch of people by the bar in order to consume a Guinness. That, however, would have been rather uncomfortable. Also, since I hadn't eaten since 11 a.m., I was STARVING and knew that a pint on my feet would not make *dinner*.

So I promptly walked back home, which was funny for two reasons.

The first is that as I had departed my house on the way to the pub the guy who was sitting on the stoop next door had charged over to introduce himself.

He had been sitting outside of that house last weekend and had said, "Hi!" at that time as well, but otherwise I think he must be a new tenant as I don't recall having seen him before that time.

So it turns out that he is very, very, very good looking. And he's my type - tall, auburn-haired, lean but still masculine. If I were picky about these things I'd have to say that that look attracts me best.

But anyhow so I realize now that I am, indeed, in the throes of a mild depression, or that I've simply given up on everything roughly equating to a "regular" social life, because all I was thinking as I was being polite with this guy is, "What the hell are you talking to me for? I'm nearly forty going on eighty and I can't imagine what we'd do together - sit on your porch drinking beers with the sketchy-looking guy who had joined you for beers there on the weekend?"

So I found myself just so completely devoid of any coquettishness (that I have probably never had, anyhow, but that I imagine I must have feigned at some points as I've spent twelve years of my sad, sad life in relationships with men :)), that I just thought: "Have you retired from life, EB???"

Sometimes it feels so. But really - and I cannot emphasize this vigorously enough - I could not imagine myself being attractive to this guy or to ANY guy if they actually knew me. I just don't feel it.

(Of course as fate would have it the guy is probably a well-hung physicist with prints of Giotto frescoes hanging over his fireplace and I've now missed out. But I digress COMPLETELY.)

That aside, upon returning from the pub I said hello briefly again and ascended to my apartment. Once in the apartment I decided that I wanted to order a pizza from my favourite place. I called the pizza place and the phone rang and rang and rang and rang...NO ANSWER!

OH my.

I concluded that the universe was conspiring to have me spend my evening alone and fat-free, so I ate the left-over risotto from last night, let it digest, and then took myself out for a tree-jumping run in the dusk along the canal.

And let me tell you the run was lovely. (I figure that if the universe is conspiring to give me an evening of clean living, I might as well enjoy it. :))

There were fireflies and a nearly-full moon! I must say that I have never before noticed fireflies in Ottawa, so I was delighted. Truly delighted. So that was nice. Delight is an improvement on fridigity.

And as I was running I had an interesting thought. It was that I could understand and welcome M.'s attraction to me because we are the same: We are both resigned to getting by in life and we both have very, very, very low expectations with respect to our relationship destinations with the opposite sex. He's shockingly smart, too - I get the feeling that he thinks his way out of happiness, just as do I>

So this epiphany actually had me laughing out loud. Don't worry - it was dark and there were only a few random cyclists and dog walkers and roller bladers moving by periodically in the dark. I stood at the rail to the canal and I laughed until there were tears coming out of the corners of my eyes. If you can't laugh...

And then I started thinking about how when I was younger and training for competition people would always ask me what I thought about on runs and I would say, without hesitation, "Nothing!"

And I understood this all of a sudden. I really used to be in the moment on my runs - listening to my heart beat, completel free - whereas now I suppose I've graduated to maturity in that all I do is think of sad things from the past or worries pertaning to the future. This would explain why I don't want to run long these days, why I'm usually eager to get home. So with this awareness in place I tried to be only in the moment. I don't think I quite succeeded, but it is the effort that counts. :)

I think that that is all. I'm sure that there is more but I'm still hungry and although I absentmindedly ovecooked my pasta - I cannot abide over-cooked pasta, of all foods, so I threw it out (and I NEVER throw out food) - and opened a can of chick peas as opposed to the intended white beans, I'm going to sit and enjoy my hastily cobbled together bean salad. And then I shall retreat to bed.

I do hope that I have another random "beautiful" day tomorrow, as tomorrow is DEFINITELY going to be a Guinness day.

I must be craving the iron. ;)

11:25 p.m. - 2008-07-16

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

other diaries:

stepfordtart
ohell
awittykitty
annanotbob
manfromvenus
smartypants
fifidellabon
hungryghost
hissandtell