enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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First message to self: Stop thinking and instead enjoy!

Ohhhhh life is so difficult.

But C. just reminded me on the phone that it's supposed to be.

He was like, "EB! What do you expect from life??? Last week you were at the cottage. You're going to Italy in 61 days (he he it's TRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUE!). You could go camping this weekend!"

He's right. SO I emailed my friend and tried to UN-cancel the camping. I hope that she hasn't yet canceled my canoe rental.

I do feel like a super dork.

But then C reminded me of something else: I need to start doing auto-suggestion, i.e. stop the negative messages that I am constantly telling myself about myself, and start with the POSITIVE messages.

Even if the positive messages feel as silly as me standing in the middle of my apartment saying, "GEE, EB. You're wonderful! You are in control! You can do this!"

Yes, really, I need to do this several times a day.

I know that C. is correct about this. I even have to schedule it, he says, so that my brain defaults to these things and not to the usual, i.e. "You're stupid. You always screw up. You're so fluffy! Nobody loves you!"

Yes, I really do tell myself these things.

I feel so much fear that people will figure out that I am stupid.

But of course many people have that fear. And of course we are all both STUPID and SMART. That's just the way it is. It's a jumble. No one is only one thing. We are all a mix. I accept everyone else's mix, so why wouldn't I accept my own.

So even though I grudgingly don't want to go camping with the silly soccer hooligan guy who seemed to LIKE me, I told C that I would paddle with the guy across the lake and drown out his remarks by singing my favourite camp song:

Land of the silver birch
Home of the beaver
Where still the mighty moose
Wanders at will
Blue lake and rocky shore
I will return once more
Boom ditty boom boom
Boom ditty boom boom
Boom ditty boom boom

Boom.BEAVERS!

YOu see, even I can FORCE myself to be fun. ;-) And I do a really capable BEAVER imitation, by the way. :)

Oh and BoXx, I definitely like the idea of cool numbers in the form of music or equations or models.

Right now I am afraid of equations and models, as my boss left me with a couple of very difficult projects to figure out.

I don't really think that I can figure them out in two weeks, given that today I spent a morning trying to come up with a not incorrect caveat footnote to a model for a note, and then found out this afternoon that my other model is screwed and I don't know HOW.

Ouch.

Anyhow. NO MORE NEGATIVE! STOP THE NEGATIVE! We should have a parade with this being chanted.

Really, I should excise the word negative from my vocabulary.

Do you know, when I got home from work today I was feeling so depressed and lonely and badly that I could not do anything for THREE hours. I could not cook, I could not eat. Finally, I forced myself to walk down the street to the pizza shop to buy a slice of pizza, since I knew that I had to eat something.

It is not good to be that way. It is SO not good. I must cure myself of this! I must I must I must! Life is good. I just need to get out more and build bridges.

Bonsoir mes amis!!

10:55 p.m. - 2008-07-14

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