enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I really shouldn't complain. In actual fact I mean to be diarying to myself moreso than complaining. :)

I'm feeling really sad at the moment.

I feel sad because I feel undependable.

I cancelled my participation in the camping trip this weekend. This friend of mine who had organized it, M., was going way overboard in my view on the costs. It was going to come out to several hundred dollars each, which to my mind is a waste of money for camping less than an hour from home. Instead I think I'm going to force myself to go out on my bicycle.

The other factor was that that guy who made me a bit uncomfortable is going to be going along. That's a minor reason though.

I'm going to still pay for any fixed costs, of course, e.g. my share of the campsite, any reservation fee lost for the canoe, any foodstuffs already purchased.

To be honest, I just couldn't stand the idea of being fixed into the engagement for the entire weekend. I knew that C was having his doubts given pressures at work and his thesis, so when I asked him about it - we had been supposed to go out to buy our camping gear tonight, since mine is at my mother's - he gladly agreed to pulling out.

Anyhow. I feel like a bad person and a bad friend. I don't like cancelling on people.

Sadly, however, I clearly wasn't looking forward to the trip, because I don't feel at all sad about missing it. But that's been the way with me lately - I can't seem to drag myself out to things.

I've had a headache all day, which hasn't helped. I've been having headaches quite often lately. I hope that there's nothing wrong with me other than stress. Stress is enough, I realize :), but still I hope that there is nothing more serious wrong with me.

At any rate, that is all of my sadness spelled out.

Well, not really. Of course I feel sad that M. hasn't written to me, and just generally that I have the feeling that I am stuck in life.

But that's all OK - it's good to be able to hold the sadness up and to look at it rationally.

Now I think that I should try to make myself a healthy meal. I made the most delightful potato salad last night - new potatoes with fresh green beans and a vinaigrette made of rice vinegar, dijon mustard and olive and sesame oils (plus herbs). Mmmm...It made a good lunch though so I think I'll leave the remainder for tomorrow... :)

Hope you all had lovely days. I think I just need to get more engaged with my work in order to feel more uplifted on Mondays. :)

I think I'm going to try the gratitude thing. What am I grateful for? Well, my good job, even though it makes me feel insecure and uncomfortable. (Well, I suppose that I make myself feel insecure. No need to blame it on the job.) I'm thankful for C. I'm thankful for my apartment. I'm thankful for books and art supplies and good food. :) I'm thankful for my other good friends, even though none of them live in Ottawa. I'm thankful for good, intellectual conversations like the one that I had today with a super-smart colleague (really too bad that he is married; we totally click).

Gee, that's a depressing list! There's not much on it. I really don't feel very well today. Oh well! Tomorrow is another day.

7:00 p.m. - 2008-07-14

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