enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Resources. I'm talking resources.

I really can't wait to get the results of my gluten test back!

I suppose that in the interim I should NOT be eating gluten, in protection against a possible demon.

The thing is that I believe very strongly in the linkages between my feelings and my food consumption and sleep patterns.

Yesterday, for example, I was operating on a poor sleep from the night before. I had also eaten crap at the office party on Friday afternoon and skipped Friday dinner. And then yesterday morning - as I am wont to do Saturday mornings - I drank too much coffee, and ate a piece of the most luscious carrot cake on my "date." (I really can't pass by carrot cake, particularly that at the fair trade coffee shop that is slathered with half an inch of good cream cheese icing. It is just not in my nature to leave this on the shelf.)

Anyhow. Correlated with these things, I believe, I went through those different climates of feeling yesterday afternoon, on account of *thinking* about the dating and being alone thing again. I think I did all of that in a reasonably healthy way. The reins were not dropped.

I find my handle on my feelings - and more precisely my thoughts - to be evolving in an interesting way.

I suspect that I'll always have a difficult brain configuration. Even when I was five or seven or ten I knew that I was living on a planet that my mother could never visit.

(I also knew that I would never be able to visit hers, even though sometimes I wanted to hit myself over the head with a mallet or something, to dull the pain and just stop the static or whatever, in the hope that I could visit her *easy* place. Of course it's not fair to suggest that someone else's mental place is "easy," as how would I know? She's just always made it *seem* easy. Breezy. Her latest project, she lightly informed me by email last week is to "replace all of her current antiques with *better* antiques.")

So anyhow, now that I'm completely off track, I'm going to turn myself back to the point. The point is that I won't have worked out today or tomorrow whether I really want to find a life partner and just can't find the appropriate person, or whether I really don't want to find a life partner and yet pressure myself on some subconscious level to do so since I'm 38 and it's the thing I've been conditioned to believe one must do else be forever...weird. Maybe it's that I don't want other people to think of me as unwanted. I can believe that I was conditioned to believe that this is the alternative that I face. Or maybe I just think it would be SO magical were I to find someone who could actually UNDERSTAND me. Doesn't everyone want to be understood? (And then be left alone to do his or her thing. :))

The one thing I've concluded that I DON'T want, and I was thinking about this as I lay awake in bed at 2 a.m., for it to be that I have stopped *expecting* anything good to happen to me, that I've accepted that I'm not deserving or meant to have the good things enjoyed by others. Somewhere along the line I DID learn that lesson. I'll always give up my seat or my food or my office or my place, because I genuinely think of myself as someone who *deserves* to go to the back of the line. I think of most people as being superior to me, and even if not I *want* them to be better off, happier.

All of that guilt. I wish I understood its provenance fully. That knowledge would aid me a great deal. Oh! Relatedly, one of the most interesting things in that E, P, L book was this little passage. It stayed with me: The former Catholic nun (who oughtta know about guilt, after all) wouldn't hear of it. "Guilt's just your ego's way of tricking you into thinking that you're making moral progress. Don't fall for it, my dear."

Hmmmm....Lots of heavy thoughts, non? :)

So the reason for me writing all of this is that late last night - too late, really - I made a gorgeous thai lime-dressed salad with a bit of pepper beef, and then I slept amazingly well.

And awake now in my lovely apartment with the rain coming down (hence my apartment is lovely as no longer HOT), I feel so at peace and rational and HAPPY. I'm going to sit down and make a collage RIGHT NOW.

It's not going to be a proper collage as I do not have glue. :) Oops! But I will cut out the pieces from the magazines that my landlord gives me to practise my French. (There should be some good colours in pictures of Carla Brun! or something. No, not likely: she always wears black. But for sure some of the French movie stars or nudie pics will furnish some colours. My self-power slogans might have to be in French. But isn't that fitting? My subconscious speaking to me in a foreign language - it's almost poetic.)

I should end there but I must tell you that I had another wonderful freezer moment. I went to the freezer last night to get some ice cubes for yet another glass of water, and when I observed that I only had three left I thought, "Gee, I should get a SECOND ice cube tray!"

And then I glanced up to the top of the fridge and noticed that I DO have a SECOND ice cube tray. (C. would never have furnished me with only one, whenever he gave these to me, which I can't remember.) The problem is that I just never FILL the second ice cube tray and put it in, as I usually have too much FISH in the freezer.

:)

So I filled up the second ice cube tray and was utterly delighted by the idea that I'd have another sixteen ice cubes coming along shortly! :) And incidentally there is fish in my freezer again because I went out to the grocery store yesterday and bought the aforementioned beef (I just had to have a little, in spite of my eco-footprint efforts), as well as some fish. So there you go.

It amazes me in a way that I can be a person with a depressive or slightly strange brain and yet who gets such intense pleasure from these silly discoveries. But it must be true because yesterday I actually applauded myself for leaving my apartment and going to the grocery store.

Like my mother always said, "It's so strange: You look so normal on the outside and yet you're not."

(Thanks, mom!)

If I'm perfectly honest I must admit that I've never wanted to be "normal." I mean, I liked being a kid who could amuse herself for hours if you gave her something as simple as a popsicle stick. Having a whole world in your head can be highly, highly beneficial. I always think of that line from the D3siderata and it gives me peace and comfort. It's not the same thing but it feels like a soldier in alliance: Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

OH and if you crave a good newspaper read may I suggest two articles with links on the front page of the Guard!an yesterday: Ian McEwan's about his lost brother, and B!ll N!ghy on being a token celebrity at the perimeter of the G8 conference. I shouldn't think too much about the G8 though as then it forces me to start to get pissed off at my leadership, i.e. my EMPLOYER.

OK. ON that note, I'm going to go off and enjoy the day. :)

11:20 a.m. - 2008-07-13

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