enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Blue, grey, pink, yellow, black.

I'm going to tell you the truth: I'm not smiling this afternoon.

I went out shopping and to the coffee shop, and really I just felt a little bit sad. I don't mean sad in a bad way. What I mean is that I felt melancholy and OK with that.

It's always the guy thing. This guy this morning was kind of condescending to me and the part of the exchange that really bothered me was the part that helped me to determine that he REALLY has no sense of humour.

What was going on is that he was telling me about how he is not sure what he is going to do with his life. He has been working on contract as a software engineer for quite some time, and had nothing but negative things to say of his last two projects. He has recently joined another project.

So since he seems to not be enjoying his work, I asked him if, indeed, he is not enjoying his work. He said that he wasn't.

And then he started telling me about how he is thinking of selling off all of his stuff and going back to school, only he isn't sure what he wants to study, i.e. more engineering or possibly music.

So I asked him - in a polite way, don't worry - if, as I have been asking myself the same thing, this is the right time to be dating.

And again, I was very careful to repeat that I've been asking myself the same question, and that I thought I'd ask it as it's an interesting one to ponder.

And he gave me some pompous answer about how it's all about how ONE feels about it ONESELF, and not about how someone else might feel about getting involved with someone who might sell everything and go off to school. (He's 41, by the way.)

I mean, that might be an OK answer. But it was something about the WAY that he said it - with aggression, and not with any self-deprecation at all - that just generally left me feeling like I was with a robot. Plus he kept on saying that his goal is to be married. Me, I don't think that marriage is so much a goal as an outcome of choosing to love and give.

So that's all OK. I said goodbye and wished him well in his search and in life, and that's that.

But then this afternoon I was in the coffee shop and feeling like I didn't want to look up, didn't want anyone to look at me or notice me, and I realized that I don't really believe that there's a guy like M. out there for me, who might actually be available to me and close enough for a relationship to develop. I don't know why this always happens, but every time I start dating it seems to me that the world of possiblities seems to shrink for me, and I feel even more lonely.

There's got to be a reason why I met M who seemed to understand me instantly and yet who thinks that he's 1) too old; 3) too distant. Oops. I forgot 2). Not sure what 2) is. I'll think of something. :)

Maybe he has a kind of wisdom that I don't. Maybe they all do. Maybe I'm just a bit too tender for the world as it actually is or wills itself to be.

At any rate, I'm not depressed. I'm just a bit weary. I'm listening to a great radio program and I have some nice music - and local strawberries - so I'm going to relish these things and just be happy in this moment. Is is *my* moment, after all.

4:43 p.m. - 2008-07-12

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