enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Meandering of my running brain.

Top of the morning, to you!!

So I didn't get enough sleep again last night, so I'm kicking myself about not being in "top form" for work.

I know, it's kind of pointless - tomorrow is a holiday, today there won't be that many people in the office, I can't go back and sleep more.

But I've made a solid pact, I would say "have an understanding" with myself that I'm going to be the most productive person I can be from now on.

I started running again in the mornings last week, and C dragged me out on each of Friday night and yesterday, and when I do that I always start to feel more conscious of my body. In a good way.

For example, I've been drinking wine lately. And now I notice the subtle effects of drinking wine of an evening, and I have started to drink less.

Unfortunately that was not true last night - I had a drink with my landlord - but I actually want to cut out the alcohol except a glass of wine maybe once a week. My body just feels more clean and pure that way. Maybe it's just that alcohol in the summer when it is already hot just leaves you feeling more dehydrated.

Whatever it is, I don't want to drink. Starting tonight, no more wine. Well not no more, just not as a regular thing. I don't like "habits" to develop.

Don't worry - I'm not going all pure and healthy on you.

I was just thinking when I was running along the canal today though that happiness grows itself.

Something changed in me earlier this year. I don't know, I sort of found the power that I've been looking and looking and looking for for so long, thanks in no small part to the encouragement of you wonderful women who let me stand on your shoulders to look over the fence and confirm that it could be there. (Oh and honorary woman - thanks Swimmmy. :))

The thing that's great about this state of balance that I've found myself in is that I know now that I never have to go back to the other.

My mother told me all of my life that there was something wrong with my brain. I always thought to myself that there was something wrong with her brain - you know, flat emotion syndrome :) - but I think I was smart enough to know that there was nothing really wrong with either of us.

I always thought that I was legitimately sad and without the skill set to deal with the sadness.

And it turns out that I was right.

And since I don't have to be sad anymore and I know how not to be sad - well, maybe I've just worked through the things that made me sad - I'm free to just be a peaceful human beings with all of the ups and downs that I want. I'm free to be happy, to choose happy.

And best yet I can build happy for other people. I think that that's the point. The happier you are the more the happiness spreads to people around you. And that's the mission, the idea.

I like it.

OK. I'm really babbling and need to shower so that I am not REALLY late for work today.

Maybe I will buy a pirate dress today, or maybe just another red one. I really want a red dress. So much. A flaming red dress!

8:28 a.m. - 2008-06-30

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