enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What does this girl want??

I think that this is going to be an emotional entry, though not in a bad way. Please forgive me.

I don't know what it is - maybe C. leaving for the week and so knowing that I don't have my friendly backup when I hate my job :); not feeling like working today; thinking about M's email from yesterday, the fact that I let my account on the online dating site open up again and all sorts of interested parties are cropping up and I feel ambivalent again already...

But today I feel quite emotional. I don't know exactly what to do about it all, but I feel that I need to do something.

Do you know how I had been reading that popular book about mange-ing, praying and loving?? The one that I was not liking? Yes.

And really, it doesn't usually take me two months to read a book.

It is what I call a "bed" book, in that I've only been reading it whilst lying in bed. For me this means that I read about two pages and then my head starts to nod and I turn out the lights.

I have other books that I am reading sitting up, such as non-fiction books that really require concentration.

SO anyhow with these "bed" books I get to the point eventually at which I get interested in what is going on and/or I just have to finish them, and I read more.

Last night and this morning I read more of this one. It is getting to the end of the book and she's finally having a romance after all of that praying, and really I have to say that I am sucked in. I think she's finally turned me around after 298 pages. And I had to chuckle at the part in which she mentions having had a conversation with a woman approaching 100 who told her that everyone in the world is interested in only two questions: 1) How much do you love me? and 2) Who's in charge? So true. So true.

So the thing that I guess moved me about this bit is that it's an older man who has turned things around for her, made her open herself up to herself.

And I couldn't help but think about the fact that there is no chance whatsoever for me in having a relationship with the older guy whom I've met, because he doesn't dream anymore and he's burdened with all sorts of problems and...frankly, he lives in Italy.

I'm not really upset about this, I think. I think I'm really upset about how the world doesn't work out at all ever the way that it does in books for other people, even non-fiction people. (Even though it's probably fake and what her publisher required her to write. ;))

And this is completely irrational and all one recognizable giant fairy tale, but I'd definitely like to figure out where I'm supposed to be. And I'd like to find out at some point that I'm not supposed to be alone.

And then, coincidentally, I got home today and there was this email from M. What a weird, oddly coincidental and related email:

I think that we are very much alike. Actually more than I wished considering the distance between us. I never experienced such a "connection" with someone before...especially after only x days. And YES we will stay friends. I just wished 2 things:

1) We lived closer. But I guess this can be solved when you buy your apartment in Florence ;-)...

2) Frankly...that I was 10 years younger. This cannot be solved I'm afraid. The only thing I can do is keep in good shape and hydrated!! And not necessarily with Chianti wine...!

All I can tell you is that you are very special and I just wished you were here right now so that I could talk to you. I just hope your friends and whoever loves you and have the privilege to see you often, understand as much as I do how precious you are. ...

(inside joke, next): I would probably die of a heart attack watching you coming out of the Arno dripping wet...But please...DO NOT let (insert travel website) know!! (He made a comment to this effect BEFORE he asked me out on a date, when I was still his client and we were stuck in traffic and I made a joke about swimming across. Uh huh. I suppose I could blackmail him with this... ;))

I know, life is a gift.

I just wish I could unwrap the damn thing! It's like someone has wrapped all of my gifts with duct tape, and sealed the ends with crazy glue.

Really, really, really.

I can't even get laid by a properly connected human being to me for one day, let alone for weeks!

I know, I should stop the pity trip.

Maybe part of what I am feeling right now is a bit of envy for this woman who wrote this book and who made the brave choice to be a writer and to travel around the world and live her life. I doubt sometimes that I will have the courage to make a similarly gutsy choice. I will probably spend my life in a government office, building a pension.

The sad part is that I have a feeling that if I do this, none of the other stuff will ever work out because I will never be happy enough to invite any of the other stuff in.

But then again as I write that it sounds ridiculous and...amazingly, untrue!

I think that somewhere deep inside of myself I am committed to doing this, to changing.

OK. Well sorry for that detour. I'm just feeling...longing. And longing isn't bad. It's just...longing. It's one of the nine hundred emotions that we're told that we're not supposed to feel, except as pertains to cars with leather interiors or the perfect hair or the latest, greatest sneakers.

So yeah, wow, that was a detour.

I thought of something very positive today as I was sitting in my office completely unable to work for the first time in a while, wanting to do just about anything but look at tax data... I thought that when i go to the other department I will be able to do leave with income averaging, which means that I will be able to take 2.5 months off every year and go to Italy or wherever else I am meant to go.

But the best part that I had not thought of before is that during that 2.5 months I can start REALLY trying to work on some sort of other idea: maybe a business idea, or a new career idea that I hadn't thought of before. I know that that sounds weird, given that I have been talking about doing art courses, but I have never thought of those as related to any business potential that I might have.

Anyhow. I'm not explaining myself.

I should start putting better writing down here. I actually can write much, much better than I do here. I generally write here as though I were chatting with a friend over Guinness. I suppose that that is good and bad.

Maybe I should go away and try to write the great Canadian novel.

Yeah, that would get me rich...not.

And I'd also have to learn about things like incest and explore repression and ice metaphors (no frigidity jokes now, puhlease ;-)). (You've just received my own personal synopsis of all of Canadian literature and Canadian film.)

NAHHHH....I can think of better things to do with my time. :)

I'm now going to steal from annanotbob and write what I'm thankful for, because there are a few things right now: 1) It just rained and so it is cool in my apartment. Lovely, really. And after two years of forgetting to buy one (really!) I bought a new umbrella on the way home that is small and magical and German-engineered and really cool. But of course it took me half an hour to fold it back up again...2) My kitchen is very clean because I did a good job on it this weekend; 3) I have a holiday tomorrow in which to enjoy my lovely, clean kitchen (Canada's birthday); and 4) I can't remember four. Oh yeah, chocolate. I have lots of chocolate. :)

6:49 p.m. - 2008-06-30

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

other diaries:

stepfordtart
ohell
awittykitty
annanotbob
manfromvenus
smartypants
fifidellabon
hungryghost
hissandtell