enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Not looking the other way. But today, I wore my red shoes. I forgot that I have marvelous red wedges. If not a red dress...

ACK.

Today was such a wasted day.

I cleaned my fridge, stove, kitchen floor, and took out the recycling.

That was between 11 and 2, since I only WOKE up at 11 or so.

(Not a great start to the day.)

And then, eventually, I took myself out to the coffee shop with a book. I was reading a divine little book of RW Em3rson Essays on Nature from 1910, given in 1912 by someone called Vera to some other person whose name escapes me now. The book even has the little gift card in it, and it's all leather-bound and made with that beautiful old paper that is of such good quality that it actually looks pretty much brand new even though it is nearly 100 years old.

One hundred years old!!

How I love books. So much. I remember when I bought this one. It was in the little bookshop in Montreal that I miss so much.

Oh how I love books. I know I said that already but they are little pieces of magic.

I pulled this out of this one today. It made my toes tingle:

Not the sun or the summer alone, but every hour and season yields its tribute of delight: for every hour and change corresponds to and authorises a different state of the mind, from breathless noon to grimmest midnight. Nature is a setting that fits equally well a comic or a mourning place. In good health, the air is a cordial of incredible virtue. Crossing a bare common, in snow puddles (aside: snow puddles! :)), at twilight, under a clouded sky, without having in my thoughts any occurrence of a special good fortune, I have enjoyed a perfect exhilaration. I am glad to the brink of fear.

Ahhhh...

So the thing is that you know that you are a super GIGANTIC book nerd when the really cute French Canadian guy next to you asks you what you are reading and you tell him but you hardly pay him any attention, clearly more interested in your book than in...you know, meeting a hot guy.

I am SUCH A LOSER. :)

So after that I finally made it to the supermarket, which I really needed to do because I was faint from not eating all day because I didn't have any food to make a meal in my fridge.

I did a good shop and nearly fainted on the way home - seriously, I can't imagine what it must be like to be truly hungry, which I was thinking about and imagining as I was walking home, and it made me feel like crying.

Actually, I have felt like crying for other people a lot lately. I have to crush this excess empathy thing though. The whole world seems so sad and heartbreaking and it is making my stomach hurt.

So, after having all of these thoughts as I lugged my groceries on that same stretch of road, only a little bit further on, I decided that I should really...

stop thinking so much.

I need to stop thinking.

I'm thinking all the time and the world is such a difficult place for me. It never lives up to my hopes. And nor do people.

But I can't isolate myself from it, watching its imperfections from outside any longer.

Really, I should try dating again. I don't really want a boyfriend, but how would I know anyhow, given that I never give anyone a chance? I keep myself apart, being happier alone than I think I would be with someone. I just have too much imagination, I think, since I have whole dialogues inside of my head that seem much richer than I might have with another person! How egomaniacal! How lame!

But if I were to stop thinking so much I think I probably COULD be with someone.

Anyhow. I think I should probably try, as a little experiment. I should force myself to act differently than I have done. I can always reverse the situation.

I just feel like things should not be static any longer. I should try new things, whatever they might be. I should force myself outside of my comfort zone. I might find something surprising in me.

Oh, and as I walked home I also thought of how grateful I am for my job.

I mean, I don't like my job.

But it is such a good job and such a secure and professional environment, and it is great on my resume and I am going to get my promotion. Compared with most people in the world and in the country

I am so fortunate.

So fortunate. I need to stand in gratitude for that.

I have a launch pad, a foundation from which to grow.

Yeah, I know, it was a portentious walk home. All 1000m of it.

And I said that I was going to stop thinking so much.

Hmmm...

Incorrigible.

;-)

11:02 p.m. - 2008-06-28

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