enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I can say this honestly.

Oh my so much to tell!

So I survived the run with C. It was very humid and muggy though.

And then I got home and nearly passed out from fatigue and malaise and hunger and everything else.

I then ate some potatoes and went out to meet my friends at the bar. And of course I had a drink even though I said I wouldn't. Only I was good and did not have much.

I'm QUITE tired though.

But I discovered that I have grown so much in the last year.

These friends are friends from university plus some tack-ons from the national statistical agency, and then a couple of their friends.

Honestly, sometimes I wonder how people end up in a particular group. My friends Ken and Ava are lovely (albeit pathetic in the ways that they deal with certain of their marital problems). Their friend R. is great - the guy who hit on me last year. But this other guy George who hangs out with them is a POMPOUS ASSHOLE.

Every time I see the guy I want to hit him. Tonight he basically said to me first thing: "How's Line Dance? You move around a lot. Your career must not be going very well."

WHAT AN ASSHOLE.

Actually, I do know that it's always other people's insecurities that are the issue.

But why do they have to take out their insecurities on me???

So I patiently explained that I ended up in a bad unit in my last department and so when this prestigious unit offered me a job I had to take it. Hence the move.

Incidentally, today, my boss came into my office to tell me that he's going to expedite my promotion. I was rather surprised.

I also, unfortunately, received notification from the other department that they are starting a competition for me today at a higher level, and *hint hint* that if I apply I will get it. The competition has a short window.

I have decided to stay at my current department, since if my boss is going to make the work better and give me my promotion, I might as well stick it out. Also, I have some insights into how the work might change and things could get much more interesting.

I don't want to talk about jobs, anyhow.

So I did, indeed, take back the red dress today. It made me sad. But it's the kind of dress that I could wear in my apartment and not anywhere in public. Kind of like Fifi's dress. Only not quite the same.

You see, I'm really quite conservative when I leave the house. I like to show my figure but in a conservative way. I never look flashy. I'm more Audrey H3pburn or Natalie Portm@n or Charlize Th3ron or Na0mi Watts or even Sus@n Sarand0n in style more than anything. I can't help it. That's just me. I'm not going to dress like Britney Sp3ars any day soon. I like to be covered and if I show leg you're not seeing any boob. Well, really, you're not going to see any boob, anyhow. If you see any collar bones you're seeing only a modicum of leg. And nice fabrics are good, too. I also only wear mascara and a little bit of blush - I feel gaudy in makeup.

So that's my style file. And that's why the red dress went back. In the change room it was great. At home I realized that I wouldn't go out on the street in it, as I'd feel as though people were only staring at my ass. This is going to sound self-congratulatory and stupid, but I really feel resentment from other women. I know I'm not imagining it - women really don't like it when a woman is well-dressed and has a nice figure. I find I have to keep my head down, particularly at work.

So THAT was a ramble.

You'll excuse me because OF COURSE I am a tiny bit tipsy, and it is late and I am tired.

So tonight at the pub I realized that I have grown a lot in the last year, because the last time that I was out with these guys I was allowing them to give me dating advice.

And why would I do that??

One couple are married and very nice people but have nothing in common. The guy prefers to talk to me than to her. And I suspect that she ALSO prefers to talk to her girlfriends rather than to him. They have a very old-fashioned relationship. I think they see it as a business relationship.

The other guy rarely comes out with his wife because he REALLY is in a business relationship. His wife is unpleasant and possessive and he once told me that he didn't feel the need to talk to her, and in any event all he needs to talk to her about is the kids. He and the other guy, Ken, are going off to Europe for a vacation together - just the two of them - in two weeks.

The third guy, R., is a great guy, but he is totally gun shy about women after having been married young and now raising his son on his own. He just wants to get laid occasionally.

The final couple is the aforementioned couple of the ASSHOLE GUY. I mean, I have no idea why this girl is with him. Or, rather, I HAD no idea why she is with him. Tonight I more or less gleaned that it's a biological clock thing. I chatted with her and she was profoundly interested in the process that I've gone through in figuring out that I actually am NOT trying to find someone to date at the moment, and probably don't want to marry or have kids. At one point she was telling me about her friend who is pregnant with her second child and has a two year old, describing this friend's plan to move to Paris for a few months with the baby, leaving her husband behind to take care of the younger one, "because she wants to improve her French." So this girl was saying how cool and crazy is this friend, and I blurted out, "That might be a nice idea if her husband is on board, but honestly when you tell me this I would guess that this is a woman who is trying to pretend that she is not married with two young children and that she can take off to Paris at a moment's notice." (The girl had preceded this story, I should note, by mentioning that this woman is also taking pole dancing lessons on Thursday nights. I mean, I think it's great to do whatever you want, but a heavily pregnant woman pole dancing? I really don't want to think about that.) Is it just me or do you guess the same thing?

I felt a certain kind of judgment from them - although I wasn't proclaiming any particular conclusion or making any loud pronouncements - but I realized that I am OK. I feel good about the way things are going, abuot the way that I'm not trying to force my way into anything. The door has opened for me and I'm going through it to explore my interests. I've lost the fear of being married, never being married, being a mother, never being a mother. It all doesn't matter anymore. I don't want to compromise in my life on anything whatsoever, and being where I am gives me exactly that. I think I'd be miserable being anywhere else right now. :)

I really felt good and proud and confident and interesting and happy when I left there tonight, like I'd left that particular set of friends behind.

I feel different.

2:06 a.m. - 2008-06-28

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