enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Om.

I had a really, really, really bad day at work today.

I don't even want to go into the story, but I ended up feeling really, really, really stupid. But what can you do?

It's over. Maybe I am stupid. Or maybe I just don't get the tax system. Not sure. I just feel so burned out.

Anyhow. No matter. And of course M. did not write to me. It doesn't matter, I know. But still, the transition from feeling as though someone cared, to feeling as though someone doesn't, is always tricky. No matter - I'm overinterpreting things in life AGAIN. :)

Not feeling good about my job really does a number on my self-esteem. So what I need to do is learn something different, try to teach myself that my job is completely separate from my self-esteem.

Otherwise, strangely, I've been feeling weird pressure in my ears today. I have no idea why. Maybe an ear infection, maybe weather pressure? Not sure.

OK. I obviously need to chill out and destress. Everything is getting on my nerves today. Female M., from the charity, is getting on my nerves, too. She keeps on emailing me about some stupid camping trip that I regrettably agreed to go on on the weekend of June 18-20. I say regrettably because it seems that a) she can make anything that should be cheap, expensive; b) she wants to plan all of these meetings to plan the canoes and the food and everythign.

I mean, it's CAMPING, PEOPLE. Whether we rent canoes for $30 or $35 a day or not is such a stupid thing to waste time on. Whatever. Whatever's available and whatever's convenient to pick up. ANd the food...I mean, can't we just say, "You get the food for Friday. We'll get it for Saturday. Or, we can all stop at the supermarket on the way and buy a couple of dinners' worth of crap."

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...things used to be so simple when i was younger, or so it would seem. I can tell that I'm going to need lots of alcohol for that weekend.

Are there any people left who are not into drama and excessive planning?

Don't answer that. :)

In other news, I think I will probably rent a car to pick up C. at his relatives' cottage in Muskoka on the first weekend in July. This could be very, very great for me. I would leave early Saturday morning and drive through Muskoka by myself, stay over at their cottage that night, and drive back Sunday night with C. It would save him a day of travel on a bus, and otherwise would afford me an opportunity to be alone on the road for a day, touring whatever lakes and hills and forests I choose.

I realize that I should rent cars more often and take off, even with gas prices high. And I just realized right now that you Americans might find it strange that I don't have a car!

I don't have a car because it would be on net a waste of money for me. It would be a huge waste of money, really. So I don't have one. I suppose I could join a green car co-op, which C. and I did in Montreal, but I wouldn't use a car frequently enough to make it worthwhile.

OK. I'm really losing it. I feel so grumpy. I need to study some tax thing. I know, I know, I should leave work at work. BUt I feel so stressed about my lack of understanding of something today. It freaked me out.

OK. I'm going to try to not be stressed for a while. I will try to do something nice, focus away from being worried, try to learn my new detached self-esteem trick. :)

6:52 p.m. - 2008-06-19

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