enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Maybe it's disappointment?

Yeah, you know, I don't feel super-great.

I mean emotionally.

But really it is only because I always fall into the same BAD thinking patterns.

I'm always feeling as though I'm not doing enough, not doing well enough. Also, when other people are not in good moods or do not pay nice attention to me I assume the worst.

Not good. So I think for tonight I will try to turn my brain-o off.

Yes, I will!

Today we had the retreat. In the morning it was speeches and then in the afternoon it was laser tag. Not being the laser tag type, i.e. not being the type to want to play with the uber-aggressive senior economist in his tighty shorts, I politely requested that I get to work instead. So I went to work. It was divine.

I know that that seems snotty of me but I figured that with a possible concussion I shouldn't be running around with aggressive people anyhow.

And in general I'd rather have my eyelashes pulled out one by one than play laser tag.

I told my boss that if they do a book club or flower pressing or nature watercolours at some point I'll be there. ;-)

I enjoyed the talks this morning, and the lunch wasn't so bad. It turns out that the conversation with the deputy lady went quite well, and there was nothing to stress about.

Everyone else then departed for the funland place, and I strolled to the mall on my way to work. I bought two cardigans to replace the lost black one. THere just wasn't a decent black one to replace the lost one on sale at the moment, so I bought two very nice ones that were on sale - delicate wool blend cardigans in light grey heather and cream with black trim. These will be good for summer, and also for Italy. It's always up and down uber-hot and uber-cold here, if you wonder why I would be planning to wear cardigans in the summer. Today, for example, I wore a jacket and scarf.

Well, whatever!

I'm grumpy. I want to go for a run, though I'm not sure if it's a good idea to run yet. Not sure if I should joggle my head. Maybe I'll wait a few more days.

Oh! I sent off my form to the British Inst!tute today. That's good. Also, M. hadn't emailed me for a week or so so I emailed him as I wasn't sure if my previous one had gone through. He said he'd been too busy to check his personal account, which is more than possible at this time of year. I'm not going to think about it or question it, and only forget about him until September.

Well I won't forget what I learned from him, but I've decided that I won't particularly write to him anymore. This chain of emails had to break off at some point. It's just silly.

So, there you go. I canceled my hair cut appointment, too. I seem to be making decisions at least, non? I'm just not interested in fussing with many things. But I need to change my thinking to happier thinking, because I don't feel very upbeat or excited about anything at the moment. I should feel good, but I don't. I just hope it's not head injury depression. But that's a bit paranoid.

OH well! I have two movies and I went to the store and bought good groceries. Maybe I'll get on my bike and sweat for an hour or something and then cook something.

Have a wonderful evening!

8:01 p.m. - 2008-06-18

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