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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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End of the day not quite in tune with the earlier part.

SO I have to admit that I am sitting here a little bit deflated. I just got back from C's place.

He and I had dinner, and also a very long and productive chat.

I should preface this, however, by noting that because of my concussion I have not 1) done any exercise this weekend; 2) had enough sleep. Both of these things make me grumpy and a little bit depressed.

C. thinks in a nutshell that my plan to move to Italy is completely unrealistic. And he is correct. It's not that he doesn't think that I should do my brief course there in the fall, and also go back again to do something extended next year. He doesn't even argue with the idea of potentially taking a leave and doing a year there, gradually working myself into a situation of maybe being able to retire there, or just go and teach courses or do tours or whatever else there for a month each year.

Anyhow. He has never liked my idealism. And I totally understand why.

His argument - and it's a perfectly valid one - is that I'm not *living* here. I completely agree. In fact, I mentioned it to him when I arrived - that I hadn't left my apartment all weekend except to sit by myself and read Rusk!n at my favourite pub, and that I really don't feel present in Ottawa.

That's exactly the thing. If I put myself on hold in anticipating of going back there for two weeks this fall, I'm going to be sorely disappionted.

And then, of course, I will not be able to return again until April or May of 2009. This is all true. I cannot quit my job and run off.

It's a difficult problem. I believe that I have to think and plan, but as soon as I think and plan I completely give up on Ottawa - which I pretty much have done off and on for the entire time that I have been here - and then Ottawa not working out becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. He knows me.

He makes a valid point that were I to get an interesting boyfriend and start getting out and sharing ideas with people I might actually find being here not so terrible.

And, of course, were I to get a job at which I actually felt I was making a difference - and I *could*, at least in theory, do that here - the picture would entirely brighten.

These things are all true.

Either way what he points out is that my thinking as always is flawed. I'm either thinking that it's impossible to move somewhere, to change something or to become someone different, or I'm thinking that I'll never fit somewhere or find a niche so I might as well give up now.

To be completely forthright I must say that we all know that I have not been putting any effort into the big O, particularly since I returned from vacation. It is all true. And job hate will never make one feel confident or inspired or social or bubbly.

PLus I had that awful weekend last weekend.

It's at times like this that I really wish that I had finished my Ph.D. in economics. Even an MBA would be more marketable than an unfinished thesis in labour economics. I had a discouraging day looking at websites in Florence for universities. If I had finished my thesis there is a research institute there with which I for sure could have done an exchange. Unfortunately that is not a possibility. It would not be impossible for me to teach courses, but that of course would not pay well. It'd really be a compromise.

So anyhow this is all just musing. C. brought me down to earth.

Most importantly he told me that he feels that I haven't been listening to him lately, that I've been tuning him out. And also he was angry that I came over there for dinner and instead of telling him about things that I had been reading I started in about how I was going to look for another job.

I can understand how he is bored by these things, bored by how I always want to change. This diary is clear evidence of that. I am a bore. And I also am a bad friend. I've also been uninterested in my volunteer work lately.

Maybe I'm just always looking for a perfect that doesn't exist. I feel as though I'm not doing the right thing for me, not fulfilling myself, that I need to make a grand change, but maybe I'm just trying to change so that I don't have to make things work right where I am?

Interesting questions to ponder. The one fact remains: Even if I live here forever - and maybe especially if I do so - I'll always have the resources to be able to go wherever I want for my vacations. Perhaps vacations are enough?

I don't know. What I do know is that I should shut off my brain. I definitely think too much. I've been self-absorbed lately, maybe forever, and I need to start being a better friend. I will take the small steps with no foreseeable outcome - learn Italian, start drawing, take vacations - and then life will take me where I need to go. I will hope for that.

Definitely time to turn off the addled brain channel.

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10:31 p.m. - 2008-06-15

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