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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Hmm...hotter than hades in my apartment. It seems dirty.

Oh fugglebuck!

That's one of my favourite expressions! I say it all the time! I really don't know why.

I'm up and wandering around my apartment. Well, actually, I'm drinking lots of water. I woke up too early and should really go back to sleep, but basically I wanted to make sure that my boss got the note that I won't be in, and also I guess I can't stand the idea of spending *free time away from work* in bed. Even though I should.

I also wanted to write a couple of notes. Yes, I wrote one to the handsome supervisor. That is out of my system now. I wanted simply to tell him that I was too shy to tell him in person that I am grateful for all that he has done for me, and sorry that I wasted his time. He's the guy who gave me references for library (cough) school, for my job at the statistical agency, and also recently for my current job. Gosh, I think even for the one before that. I have really preyed on him! No more! My goodness I feel badly.

So I got that out of my system, and now all of the other thoughts and feelings have completely dissipated.

I'm really an idiot.

Did I mention that I ran into a guy from my first days of grad school at the conference? He was so far behind me when we started, and yet now he is a professor of econometrics at a small universty! I'm so amazed. And good for him. I resented him for a long while because he was puppy dog crazy about this mutual friend of ours and he literally used to be oblivious to me and my feelings for a long time. SO we drifted apart.

But time has a way of completely healing things like that. And the woman broke his heart, moved back to Brussels and now has three children...

So this guy said to me, "Don't worry. I always think that if you don't think that you were stupid three years ago you probably haven't been living."

Yes! Does thinking that you were stupid three days ago also count as proper living!?

Now I sound like Fifi.

Really though, I think I am starting to make it my occupation to be silly all of the time. I think that this is GREAT!

So, yeah, I'm goofing around my apartment right now. It is DISGUSTINGLY hot. It is like a sauna in my apartment. Ottawa is hot and muggy in the summer. Today it is 34 degrees C. Gross. And I do not get enough air circulation. The air is still.

It was so gross - there were teacups with mold in them when I got home. EEEEW.

Oh, in more encouraging news about the ways of the world, I must tell you that Basil is regrowing his head. Actually, he is growing two now in the place of the one! Just imagine if men could do the same. ;-)

Ummm....I know I had something else to say. Um. Speaking of men, M. had asked me to send a picture of the mountains in Vancouver. I didn't really get any such shots, so I hesitated but sent him the ones from last night. I hope he doesn't get the wrong creepy message from the love one. Ooops. I am not a stalkery obsessive woman looking for his love. No, wait! Maybe I am. Well, a neurotic love-seeking woman, anyhow. ;-)

Actually, it's funny, I really did think about love a lot at this conference. NO, you don't say? ;)

You see, the guy Phillip from a couple of years ago, the one who pretended that he wanted to co-author a paper with me and yet who was taking me on stealth dates he thought, was at the conference. He is doing very well.

At the time that I last saw him 1.5 years ago, he was single and wanting to get married. And now he has met someone and is getting married this summer!

I realize how easy it can be, but you must be really wanting it. You must be ready. I believe that he is ready. I think that men are like this. They reach a point at about 30 and then they go about acquiring a bride like acquiring a pair of socks.

No, just kidding. But it is true for some. They sometimes set their minds to it, particularly if they want to have children. I used to think that this was wrong, but now I find it rather great and exhilarating. I wish that I had this kind of focus and motivation to do...anything.

Really, I do. I wish I KNEW, for example, that I wanted to be married and to have children. I'm not sure anymore. I think for sure that I would like to be married to a super-exceptional smarty-pants genius funny fun guy who would keep me dizzyingly stimulated. Yes, I do wish for that. That would be INCREDIBLE. It's a tall order, I realize.

And if I could find moi a person like this I would have a kid. I would be a firm rules-oriented and so not precisely *fun* mother, but I would also have so much crazy fun with a kid. Oh the places we would go, the adventures we would have. And the stability and the reading! Yes, life would be good. Yeah, I know. I doubt that I could do it, too.

But under other conditions it just wouldn't work for me. It wouldn't work.

Maybe I should just ask "M" for a donation and have my own kid.

ACK! I can't believe I said that! That is so not my style - children without fathers ICK! No!

Yes, no, I don't know. I really don't feel upset about it though.

This year has been the funniest year. In some ways my life has become more vague and my future less certain, but at the same time it feels exactly as though very gradually everything is coming into focus. It's still very fuzzy but there's this tiny bit of focus and it must be enough to inspire *faith* of some kind (thanks boxx re the BELIEVE!), because I'm thinking of this:

Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

Yeah, it's a bible verse. I know. You see it occasionally around. And I don't know exactly where it comes from and how badly it has been paraphrased in this version.

I don't have anything specific hoped for. But I do have a funny and beautiful kind of faith developing. The only way that I can articulate this faith is as some kind of an invisible net of "Right! No one can take away me-love except me, so I really can be OK."

This has always been true and I have restated it over and over again. I am very bad at this. But it actually FEELS like something that exists now, instead of some fairy tale entity about which I had no knowledge.

Hmm...

I have to laugh though because my friend C2 used to always say this (the bible verse - she believed that "God would find (her) a husband" (my view being that God is busy)) to me as her support for the fact that she would meet a man. She did meet a man and as far as I know she is still happy - I haven't spoken with her, sadly, for a few months, given that I was getting SO ANNOYED with her patronizing me over why I hadn't found a guy yet and whether I LOVED MYSELF ENOUGH. She's an old, old friend but also one of the most superficially-oriented person I've ever met, so not someone from whom I want dating advice. Not really. :) Oh, and did I mention that she's been known to stalk men? Yeah, I know. It's true. Still, she is well-meaning. I shouldn't show disrespect towards her.

Hmm..that was a sour note to end on. I should take a nap. I'm fading. GOsh, it's also nearly 11. I should eventually go to work. UGH!

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10:32 a.m. - 2008-06-09

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