enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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It's so gloomy, dreary and rainy here. And I'm so chilled and tired. Now cuddled up in a sweatshirt though. :)

OK. So I'm back from church, and a very long coffee with my friend W. afterwards. It was good, but I need to process it first before I will write about it. Or maybe I will not write about it.

I'll talk about something else. I stayed up WAAAY too late last night. I realize that this drifting into the wee hours is a product of my biorhythms gradually drifting back to their norm vs. remaining in the Italy differential.

To be honest, however, I rather like the early to bed, early morning feeling of quiet and productivity that I experienced. If I can get back to that I would like to do so. Still, last night, it was late to bed. And this morning it was difficult to drag myself out of it.

Anyhow. What I want to mention is that right after writing what I did as a confession last night, I curled up in bed with E@t Pr@y Love. As I mentioned when I started reading it before going to Italy, I really don't like this book. It makes me quite uncomfortable because I see in it the triviality that is my current quest, this diary. It's self-indulgent, a chirpy description of a well-funded "spiritual" quest, which might in fact be the exact opposite of that. It makes me squirmy.

But I felt that I should at least read the entire book before concluding all of this - maybe I'm just affronted that I'm not particularly different, as C. is wont to tell me ALL the time :) - and why not, what the hell, it's sometimes amusing. I can be a pop culture person, too.

So I pick up the book at chapter 48, and I read this: "I seriously believed that David was my soul mate."

"He probably was. Your problem is you don't understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can't let this one go...David's purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did great, but now it's over. Problem is, you can't accept that this relationship had a real short shelf life."

OK. I'm not drawing parallels to my own life, really, but the words are so eerie in light of what I've been thinking about M.! Funny stuff. I guess I'm looking for reasons for this or that or whatever, and I can't find any. Probably because there *aren't* any. As usual, no one is ever going to tell me what I need to do, what I ought to do, what will end well. One never knows.

That's all. I need to eat some toast. I couldn't eat yesterday much because of the stomach thing, and now I'm absolutely starving. Don't worry - the bread is gluten free. It's some leaden rice thing that I bought. I hope it tastes good. Believe it or not, I can get a tax credit next year for eating this stuff, if the diagnosis is confirmed. :)

12:45 p.m. - 2008-06-01

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