enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I have to shake my head at myself...

Oh it's bad. I'm up late again. And I am supposed to be at church early in the morning.

Well at least I haven't had anything to drink tonight. That will make it easier!

I had a lovely day - cooked, read, organized books, thought.

I came quite close to buying a plane ticket, but I think I've decided to wait to buy it until I have the firm approval from work. I'm not sure that I want to risk having a problem on that end AFTER I've bought the ticket.

Oh how I miss the days when I was a free agent. Well, except for the having no money really part. :)

Yeah, I know. Grumble. Grumble.

So I have a confession to make. This man, M., is really doing me in. Today he wrote me this:

"I'm so glad to hear that you are going to Vancouver. I heard it's a beautiful city and I always wanted to go there. Can I come and see you just for a couple of days?? Oh...If I only could share the view of those mountains with you!!!

Oh well...I guess I will have to make do with the view of the usual Tuscan hills in September. It's okay. With you it will be like seeing them with new eyes."

We're just so similar. It's kind of scary. And there's something in the way that he was with me that made it just so easy. I really believe that he is completely honest and open to me.

And I have a horrible confession to make: All of a sudden I am getting asked out by nice guys whom I can't really think of any good reason to reject, but I don't want to date them because there is a part of me that wants to see M. again first. I don't want to get caught up in something and then go to Florence and wish I could be with M., even if only for a couple of weeks.

I know, I know. This is why I am confessing it. Confessions are SUPPOSED to be dirty little secrets. I have a problem now. I knew this would happen. At the time that I was there I felt perfectly sure that it wouldn't, because, really, what the hell would I do with an imaginary Florentine boyfriend? Uh huh. I KNOW.

I *could* decide to stay completely single for the summer. But then that's stupid - I go to Florence expecting exactly WHAT?

ARGHHH...I'm a sad case. So sad.

That is it. That is my confession. I should go to bed so that I can meet W. as planned tomorrow morning.

Yes, that's all for me. I definitely write too much. I think too much out loud.

I'm such a dreamer. But maybe it's just that I'm at a crossroads: Do I *really* want to be with someone, or do I actually want to go off on my own path indefinitely, single, and be in love with life and the occasional kindred soul, rather than build a relationship slowly with a man with whom I could actually settle down?

I wish I knew the answer. I suppose that the answer will reveal itself to me over time. I just don't want to drag anyone else into this with me. Hmm...Incidentally, thinking quite rationally this afternoon, I really, really saw myself in that other job. C. did not help it much. He's in a similar position right now and having worked at Line Dance last year he has come around to my way of thinking. (He had been singing the praises of Line Dance after his term there.) Hmmm again. I really want to jump ship. Should I do it? Should I give myself permission to feel what I want to feel, do what I want to do? Don't answer that. ;-)

12:50 a.m. - 2008-06-01

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