enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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So, so, so good, I must say. But I'm too prolific - the first entry for today was more important. This one is superfluous.

Can I tell you? I just loooove the picture above. I can feel and smell the countryside when I look at it. It's so fresh and warm and embracing. It smells so good.

You know, I'm so prolific here that it is clear that I need to get a life. I just seem to be enjoying my life so much, right from here. I'm listening to the radio, drinking good coffee, musing.

C. was over a little while ago, for a chat and some oven-fried potatoes. I had made those for my stomach, but it is just as well that he poached a bunch because there were too many. I just love that whole "drop in if you're in the neighbourhood" thing. I'm always so delighted when C. drops by. He just lets himself in with his key and I see his friendly smile.

I think I would have been rather good in a farm community. I don't gossip, but I don't mind knowing what people want me to know. I can be a keeper of thoughts, a counselor. Actually, come to think of it, I think I would have made a really great minister or something. It amazes me, too, but I really do find that I have a pretty much endless well of empathy for people, provided that they at least put out a bit of effort to help themselves.

Funny, that.

Actually, it's funny because whenever I do those Myers-Brigg tests and I come out an idealist-healer or something like that, one of the suggested occupations is counselor or spiritual adviser. And I really was a very good teacher. But it drained me so much. That is one tiring job. But one on one listening and responding...well, that is my specialty.

Can I just apply for Gandh! or Mother Ther3sa's jobs, instead? I feel that they might be empty at the moment. ;-)

I'm just joking around. Really though, I don't care about much other than how people feel, about making people feel good. If I'm honest, that's kind of how it is. It is not good to be this way, because it is not easy to go to work every day and economize. It is not easy. It takes all of my will to force my concentration into this. And then, of course, I am left feeling exhausted by the effort. And then I'm lazy about everything else. But I can never tolerate letting other people down. That is not good for me.

Exhausted by the effort. That's exactly what N. told me she was feeling from all of the years of pretending that she is OK.

YEah. I get that. I get that. It's a matter of deciding if you can get enough in a month a year in Florence, say, to be able to go and trudge through the other stuff just to have the money to buy the pleasure. Yeah, I know: the same question as always.

I really love this feeling of having a plan. I have my sketchbooks out and after I finish a bit of time on my bike - I know, silly to be on the trainer and not outside, but I want to listen to the books show - I will draw.

I just love that I know that I am going back to Florence. This afternoon I toyed with the idea that I would take a whole month, i.e. some unpaid leave, and do the whole BI course in September. C. talked me out of it. I'm not sure why, but maybe it is not a good idea to take a whole month.

I don't know. Don't you just LOVE bad ideas? Really, I do.

Incidentally, I did it! I emailed the British Inst!itute to see if they have a place for me in the two weeks of the course that I want! I did it! I'm so excited. I'll probably just buy the flight anyhow.

The only thing is that taking the two weeks of the course takes up all of the time that I will have in Florence, so I will not be able to take a longer bike trip with M., unless i skip a couple of days of the course. I feel good in a way that I am not going for him, but still it would be nice to be able to go for a longer ride with him. What he has told me is that if he has people book a longer tour he will put me on the tour with them. It would be lovely, lovely to do this. At the same time, I don't know if I would feel good about this. I am fun to be with and everything, and his tours are always open to other people, unless I guess the group is too big and so he can't add another, but I wouldn't want to take anything away from his professionalism by being too chummy with him in relation to the other clients. I think perhaps I would have to say no and to only go biking with him on a couple of other days.

I will go back again next year and book a longer tour with him, maybe with Amanda if I can convince her to go!

BUt then again I want to do a studio course in Florence next spring. Hmmm..

Well, the best thing that I have figured out about life is that you never really need to plan the details. The details just come, once you have the bigger goal mapped out. And the details when they come are so delicate and more beautiful than you could ever have imagined on your own anyhow.

So there. I should... I don't know. Get on my bicycle, and then put on my daffodil dress, grab a book, and go out for a salad or something. Yes, I think that I'll do that. And maybe some music or a film tonight? Yes! But drawing first!

3:18 p.m. - 2008-05-31

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