enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Can't wait to make chocolate-dipped strawberries a la Fifi!

Oh lordy my tummy is bad. I think it's because I ate a pizza when out with N. the other night.

Seriously, I know it was a bad idea. But it was the only thing I could do - eat - to keep myself listening detachedly to all of the crazy stuff that she was telling me.

I mean, there was this really sleazy manager at our old job - smart, to be sure, but sociopathic - with whom she was cheating on her husband!

ACK! At the time that I knew her there, however, she had been badmouthing him and they barely spoke. I guess things had soured and they were no longer seeing each other. She eventually complained about the way that he was talking to her, which i now understand to actually have been jealousy and revenge given that by that time he had moved on to a 20 year-old.

Life is so crazy.

So what's my point. My point is that my stomach hurts.

Wheat, probably. :) Oops.

I also ate raisins tonight. And many strawberries. I couldn't help it. ANd then C. called and came over and we ran up the canal. It was probably a good idea, just to shake out some of the loose energy.

I realize sometimes when I write in here that I seem like a goody two-shoes. I'm really not that innocent I suppose but in so many ways my impulse is always to hope for the purest, *bestest* things. I can't help it. I just crave that people will search for the best in themselves, choose the higher road, try to be honest. I like to cheer people on! I want people to succeed! That's very nerdy. But that's just me.

OK. I should eat some more and watch a bit of my movie. I am not going to be super-delinquent, but since I ran tonight I suppose I will sleep in a bit tomorrow.

Another good point about my boring job: I can leave at 9:10 and still be at my desk by 9:25. And I can start whenever I like! And leave whenever I like! I like that. I am not a morning working person. And this morning I got to hear an interesting interview with Ch3rie Blair before I left home.

That's all. I hope that I have sweet dreams of Florence again tonight. That would be nice.

Oh! Funny story! Well actually it is not funny at all. That guy with whom I went on the date before Florence and to whom I was not at all attracted? Yeah. Well he emailed me yesterday inviting me out to share my photos of Florence over pints. And he asked me why I had been awol (not quite understanding, since I had told him that I was definitely not going to date him but that we could do coffee sometime if he was sincere about wanting to be friends), had I "fallen for my hot bike guide and decided to work towards changing my life onto a better path?" .

So the guy is either brilliantly perceptive or he reads this diary (I doubt the latter very much), but of course I kind of had to write back something in the nature of "Wow, you're perceptive - in a way." Actually, I suppose that I had made a joke before leaving about having set up rides with a cute bike tour guide. Hmm..

And of course I have not heard back from him. I was completely honest with him, so I do not feel badly. I just wish that men would not SAY they want to be friends with you, when really they hope that you will change your mind. I really toughed out that decision not to date that guy, and I only said really nice things about him.

TO be honest, I haven't been on the dating site at all since I've been back. I've written off the money - sadly - as a loss. I don't see it being useful for me. If I meet someone in my art class or something this summer, fine, but I'm not looking. I really am wondering if the occasional lovely fling with a kindred guy with whom I couldn't have a traditional life is enough anyhow. It seems to be enough for now. I feel OK on that front. At least for now. Although today I did realize that it has only been two weeks since I last saw M. He will fade in my memory after a month, I hope, and I will not in any way be hanging on to some false hope. That would not be good. Hanging on to a nice example of what I *should* be getting from a guy, however, is what should come of it.

I know - I'm so repetitive. This is what you guys have been saying to me. It is true. It is sweet and a gift. I will hopefully never again settle for less. Lessons! Lessons!

Oh! I almost forgot! And this sounds so catty: I got the most amusing love note today from the Australian guy from the hostel. He really is a sweet guy but my lordy does he try when he should not. He sent it to my workplace. I will have to bring it home.

I have to admit that decidedly more interesting are the notes and photo album links from the young Polish stud whom I also met from the hostel, but I shouldn't get ahead of myself. :) Actually, I really, really liked that guy, which I think I mentioned. I think he marches to the beat of a different drum, and he's also very outdoorsy. Smart, cute, different, fit. Oh and a good photographer, it turns out. I would date him. Too bad he lives in London. Ah well! Maybe I do have May-December potential after all. ;-)

10:44 p.m. - 2008-05-29

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