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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I'm quite happy - don't get the wrong impression!

Ahh. I feel pretty good. In spite of being tired and so on I put in a solid day's work - 9:30 to 7:30 continuous.

I like that. It makes me feel good.

I was definitely feeling twinges of regret over not taking that job that I would enjoy much more, but having my job right now be rather steady and predictable is not the worst thing in the world. It's becoming so much easier - which is part of the problem, i.e. that it's challenging but sometimes not challenging enough for me - and easy can be nice when you're thinking.

Still, I'd rather be more satisfied. And I don't want to be there long-term so why exactly do I care about leaving there after 6 months or leaving there after 9?

Yeah, I know. THere's not much logic in this. Really, at this point, I'm feeling that I would feel badly for cutting out and not giving them a bit more given the learning period that everyone inevitably goes through - i.e. not shortchanging my boss in any way - and waiting for a bit beyond the conference that they are sending me to next week.

I should be happier. I'm not. I'm just trudging along. But I will take courses and things this summer and those things will make me feel much much better.

I went online today to look at plane tickets to FLorence and I think I'll pretty soon just take the plunge and buy one. The problem is that the connections are TERRIBLE for the tickets from Sept 6- Sept. 22, which would allow me to take the beginning of of the course in which i am interested. I mean, the connections involve sitting for 8 hours in Philadelphia, and then getting to Zurich the morning of the next day and sitting there for THE ENTIRE day and getting into Florence at 5 or something. I mean, I'm sure Zurich is lovely and everything, but I don't really want to spend a day in Zurich, after spending most of one at the airport in Philadelphia.

So, the best flights seem still to be for Sept. 13 - Oct. 1. That means I could take the second and third week of the course, or only the second and then bike with M. the following week. Not sure. I wish I could take three weeks but that would not fly. As it is the period works out to two work weeks plus three days. I feel like such a slave. I wouldn't even mind taking unpaid leave but I really don't think that they will give me that much time. Oh how I want my time back!!

Yeah, I'm a working joe now.

SO the only other bit of news is that I got a beautiful note from M. today. I never wait for them anymore and then when they come in I think, "It's true - they are a gift."

For sure I will be sad if he is with someone when I get there next time and so we can't spend some time together, but either way i want him to be happy and I want to stay friends with him. We'll have fun no matter what, although I will feel a bit sad if I can't kiss him. :)

Ha. Funny. DIdn't think I'd be saying that again in recent months.

So he wrote me this: "The itinerary that I have designed for these people is really wonderful. Especially the last day on the Cinque Terre where we'll be biking up high along a coastal road with the ocean under our pedals! I so wish you were with me! And especially yesterday night at dinner. I kind of treated myself. I deserved it and cheered me up. "

There was nicer stuff but I don't want to bore you. I just like this person. I know that he hates writing emails at the end of a long day, especially in English because it takes work. But it is so nice that he makes the effort.

I was walking home today and thinking that it's been a long time since i felt that someone nice was willing ot make the effort for me. Larry really was such an offense to humanity. And I dated him! I thought I didn't deserve better! Larry is all of the duds in Ottawa to me, which is not fair, I know, but how I feel.

So tonight, maybe a mistake, but I rented the cheesy "Und3r the Tuscan Sun." I saw it years ago and thought it was predictable and pleasant but nothing more, but for sure now it will bring back fond memories.

I don't want to fall into the trap of waiting for three months to pass so that I can feel alive again. That's not good. I have to try every day not to feel sad that I live in this ugly place with bad weather, a boring job, and guys who don't know the first thing about treating a woman well! Sigh!

Sigh! Really! :)

OK. I'm going to stuff my complaining face with something. What, I wonder?

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7:58 p.m. - 2008-05-29

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