enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Such an awful day. But I'm working through it.

Thanks so much, all of you. I don't even know what I wrote this morning. Last night was BAD. I mean, BADDDDD.

So I've awakened with a rude awakening from Italy. Clearly when there my brain was scorched, because I thought I was ready for a big leap when really I was at most ready for a puddle jump.

The issue is that the worst fear that I have in life is not having a job. It has always been my worst fear.

So...I got so scared when I thought I had told my boss that I was leaving for sure. I talked to him briefly again today and clarified that I was not going to leave for sure, but that the issue for me is that I need to figure out what my role and career will be in the longer term and that I haven't been feeling fully integrated where I am. So, as you all said, probably not too much harm done.

I feel kind of fragile at the moment. I shouldn't be so. I could, of course, pick myself up again even if the worst thing were to happen.

But I've realized from this surprising panic reaction that I had yesterday that I'm clearly not yet ready for a change. I need to have a bit more steady whatever - even if it is not great - at which I at least have some knowledge, before I jump again. I am just not strong enough to jump again so soon.

Part of the problem is that the public service is in terrible shape. I could jump back to the other ministry and end up with a really crappy unit, managers leaving, the rug getting pulled out from under me. The ministry that I am at at the moment is stable. That is a benefit.

So, I don't feel good in my job. It could be much worse. I need to work harder and try harder and put my chin up. I'm going to throw myself into my work and not let myself get downhearted, for at least another month. I will meet with my boss next week to see if we can improve the work, and then after I feel a bit stronger and more confident I will start applying for competitions to go elsewhere.

Today I was disappointed in jobs, in life. I talked to the woman over at the other ministry and I felt that she wasn't giving me the full goods. Her boss contacted me and I wrote back with my concerns (involving me getting stuck without the promotion that is due to me, which is one of the issues in my current job). I told him that I would be in touch if I decided to change jobs, but for now I am going to be cautious and take my time.

Incidentally, when I talked with my current boss today he kind of hinted that there were some issues with the rules of the department and that this is why I haven't received the promotion that I was about to get at my last department but that I passed on to move over to this one. He hinted that my experience is valued though, so maybe I will get that slight pay rise soon. That would be great. I am astonishingly underpaid for the level at which I am working. This is diminishing my self-esteem, for sure. That jerky senior economist? Yeah, you know the one. He makes twice as much money as I do. Yes. Yes, he does.

So I shouldn't complain anymore and I should apologize sincerely for the panic attack today - I am SORRY that I left that there for you to see. I was not calling for sympathy. I just felt my heart fall completely out of my chest. I curled up in bed at 10 p.m. last night and didn't get out until 8 a.m., and still I did not feel rested. I felt ill. I felt so scared. That is what happens when you do not have much money. You worry about these things. Even though my job is permanent and secure and I can always move somewhere else in the pub ser, I fear. I really fear. I fear for my future. It's scary. Maybe it's in part because I am alone. I don't have anyone to help me if I fall. I think that everyone fears this. I feel so sorry for those who do not have anything to fall back on.

So tonight - and I won't bore you with the details - was a salacious night. I did not want it to be salacious. But I met with my friend N. and it turns out that she is living a double life. She is really screwed up. I love this girl and I have always looked up to her, but she told me tonight about an affair that she had on her husband, another partial affair that she had with a mutual colleague (a COMPLETE wanker, I might add), and an affair that she is thinking about with another one. She clearly does not feel good about these affairs, and wants to leave her husband...but I had thought that they were so cute and perfect. It made me so sad. So sad.

In a way it was weird - I was sitting with her and thinking that my life is not so bad. I am not trapped inside a self and a marriage in which I am miserable. She has just started therapy, which I am so happy about. I hope that she gets all of these things worked out.

I may be lonely, sometimes sad, sometimes panicky, but I do do the right thing and I am honest. That counts for something.

I think that maybe I have to go through this period with the jobs and with dating and all of the other things that have not been going well, in order to learn for once in my life to both expect more for myself and to ask for more. I always ask for less than I deserve. I told three people about the money and level that they were trying to offer me over at the other ministry -which is, I'm ashamed to say, the money that I get where I am - and they were shocked. These are all people who know my work. "You should be getting two levels above. You have to apply for competitions two or even three levels above. They are taking advantage of you."

It is true. I'm really bad at demanding what I deserve. And I always undercut myself, undercut any compliments, because I feel that I should be doing better. I don't think I deserve my promotions, even though of course I am good enough to be at a higher level. In fact, I took a demotion of two levels just to secure my permanent status when I moved to my last ministry. I was so desperate for permanence. It's very bad.

So this crisis happened to remind me that I need to face this fear that I have of not having a job, of not being successful. I need to step forward to be what I can be, to develop the confidence to ask for things for myself. Maybe it doesn't mean stepping away from where I am right now. Maybe I must do battle there first. Not sure.

Oh so tired. I think I need a glass of wine. Incidentally, I am having a disturbingly bad hair day. I look so awful. Unrescuably awful. My face, too, looks awful. It bears the stress like white streaks all over it. Scary how quickly some things can change. A senior guy came by today to ask me if I'd been on vacation yet. Yeah.

I'm so tired. I hope that you are all well.

10:22 p.m. - 2008-05-27

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