enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Oh the brain is complicated and yet so predictable

So I'm going to be honest. I'm not liking myself very much at the moment.

I went to watch the marathon go by this morning. I actually watched for two hours. I watched the elites right down to the regular guys out there having a good time.

I felt a mixture of feelings, but fortunately I only very fleetingly wanted to run again. That was when I watched some of the elites at 400m to go, watched them dig in and hold on.

I remember that feeling from when I was running in London, for example. It was this desperate mind control to get my body to run yet another 6 minute 7 second mile. I had to hold on. I wanted to get that time. It took all of the force of will in my body to run those last two miles at that pace.

I missed that, in the moment. I missed that a lot. I missed feeling that I was working towards somethng that I had to really fight for to achieve. I missed having something for which I wanted to fight, however silly.

But then that passed. I saw a few guys run in at around 3 hours and they seemed to be having fun. With those guys I thought, "OK, I could enjoy doing that - running a race without pushing myself, just to run and be out on the day."

But most of the people who ran by looked in pain. THere were so many people who had very bad biomechanics for running. There were people grimacing. THere were people who looked green. There were probably more than a few people who will eventually need knee surgery, more than a few people, too, who likely didn't train for the event.

And why should these people make me feel a little bit angry? They are not hurting me. They are not taking anything away from me. They are running their own races.

I could make some silly argument about how I hate that everyone follows a trend and does something that has little social utility, that I think that stressing the heart and the joints in a marathon is probably actually detrimental to health, life-shortening in the long run. (I remain convinced that the strain that I put my heart under when dehydrated and doing all of that running has likely shortened my life by a couple of years.)

I shouldn't feel some sort of nastiness or bitterness. But I do! I hate to admit this about myself. And I can't be angry at these people. This has to be about me. It has to be anger at myself that I did that to myself for so long when I could have been growing and developing myself in much kinder, gentler ways. I could have been getting closer to being a good person. Instead I was basking in the vanity of something so...inutile. Worse, I didn't even enjoy it most of the time. It hurt. I could have spent so much time and so much money instead on artistic things that would have fed my soul. What a waste of time and energy - all to prove that I was *worth something*?

OH. It's terrible. I hate to admit that I am an ugly person in some ways. I am an ugly person. But I guess facing up to yourself is a way to understand yourself and work towards becoming a better, more loving and generous person. It is not good to feel angry at people for doing what they want to do, or even for being sheep-like and doing what everyone else is doing just to be part of the crowd or to look a certain way, or whatever. It is not good.

It also doesn't serve to be angry at my younger self, or even angry at my current self. As mariastuart said, one does not become a big, shiny, yellow daffodil all at once. It takes time. Baby steps. I can do this.

I'm also really stressed about my work discussion tomorrow with my boss. That must be colouring my attitudes, temperament today. I'm afraid to tell him what I really think, afraid to make the decision to choose the easier career path. I guess that's it! I'm seeing myself as a failure. And I saw it in the running today! That's it! That's it! We know the answers, don't we, if we only look inside?

SO today I think I AM going to go out and buy the orange sheath for work. I have two orange dresses in my wardrobe - one a really ratty cheap cotton thing that I can only wear to shlep around. The other a coral silk chiffon with fitted bodice one that is so pretty as to be only useful for weddings and garden parties. :) So I will buy a saucy sheath that is good for EVERYTHING. I do love orange. It's delightful. I thought for a long time that it does not look good on me but indeed I realize now that my skin is a bit warm. So there you go. THere you go.

I'm going to go away now and wait for S's call, try not to be angry with myself. I will try to forgive. I will try not to feel lonely in this life in which I feel that few people understand. Alas, we are all flawed. Just differently.

11:15 a.m. - 2008-05-25

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