enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Never underestimate the power of an uncomfortable environment.

Ohh...things are bad.

At least I know now HOW bad though. Today, my stomach is killing me, I felt stressed all day and this afternoon was not very productive, AND I'm getting confused and my memory poor.

My boss came back today. I felt small, diminished today.

SO, now we know: I need to get out of this job. I can't do it right away. But in three months I will start looking. I can get through this.

This afternoon I was bad. At lunch and slightly later I started looking at plane tickets. The seat sale to Italy is from September 8 through October 15.

I looked at the British Institute and the exact course and exact sessions of the course that I would like to take take place between September 15 and September 26! So I looked and I can book a plane ticket from September 13 to September 30. I debated a lot about this but this would involve taking 2 weeks plus 2 days of vacation. I can do that.

THe only problem is...well, that if I change jobs around that time it could be a bit dodgy. I would have to negotiate having the time and so on. I don't want to buy a ticket now and then have to throw it away. Since it is a discount fare it is not very flexible, obviously.

So...I really should book it though. I am hoping that if I were to book it it would give me a little bit of freedom and maybe relieve a bit of the anxiety that I feel so that I could enjoy and perform better on my job for the next few months.

It's not good to feel this way. But I will get through tomorrow and then on the weekend I will plan my survival strategy better. I will nurture myself and think about how I can nurture myself every day. I just can't live this way anymore. It's just AMAZING to me how much this job impacts my health. Honestly, I was absolutely perfect and strong in Italy. And here I am back in Ottawa, shrinking - physically, mentally, spiritually. I am practically doubled over with cramps and I am so tired and mentally fuzzy. It's AWFUL.

OK. That's all for my ranting. It will get better. THere is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Hope you are all well! Tonight C and I go to the piano concert with R. Not excited but I am sure that it will be nice. I should probably have a wee coffee.

6:33 p.m. - 2008-05-22

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