enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm thinking of that Frida K@hlo painting with the giant, valvular heart linked to...everything.

One of the good things that happened today, in spite of the bad, is a conversation that I had with another girl there.

She is only working in my department temporarily. She is supposed to be in this economist program and although she is smart she is pretty much the furthest thing that I could imagine from an economist. This is probably why we get along so well. :)

C. knows her and before I ever met her I had heard from him that she is "different."

She's fun. She's French. Her dad works in the theatre. She dresses funkily. She absolutely does not fit in in my department. Today we finally said to each other that the first day that we started working there we both knew that we did not belong.

She's quite young - 28 I think - and she told me quite early on in our acquaintance that she is not sure that she wants kids. She's in a long-term relationship. She just kind of calls things as she sees them.

Today, she said to me, "Look, you don't have kids, so you're not wasting money that way. :) You shouldn't feel badly about spending money on yourself...You can tell that I am really maternal."

I had to laugh.

I mean, I'll admit that in my heart of hearts I would love to have one kid. I would love it. But I remain rational about it. I only want it under certain conditions.

But I do want to do other things, and for now I think it is A-OK to do my thing.

So the point of this note that sounds like everything I've written before, is that I realized today when I was talking to her that I am REALLY FEELING for the first time EVER that my own intuition is the way to go in life. I don't have to feel guilty for not being like most other people.

It seems as though I had concluded this before, but when I accepted the job at this department just 7 months ago I KNEW that it was the wrong thing. I knew in my gut. BUt I did it because I thought I SHOULD. I did it because everyone else with my education and my potential earning power and so on WOULD do it. I did not do it with my heart.

I really hated that E@t, Pr@y, Love book (well, the half of it that I've read), except for some parts of the Italy section (which were LOVELY), but there is one line by the Indonesian guru that I just love so much. It was something about how you should have arms and legs rooted to the earth, a head of foliage (well the picture that she was looking at had a head of foliage), and that you should make decisions/do you thinking with your heart.

I believe this to be true. I've made so many mistakes in life - wrong turns, wrong choices - because I've been guided by guilt, by what I was taught was right. I haven't been able to break free. I have rarely chosen with my heart. BUt when I HAVE chose with my heart I have been my happiest (running in the early years, moving to Australia). So let's take it as empirically true that this is how things are.

Honestly, you wouldn't believe how dragged down and horrible I feel right now, after only three days back in that building. I feel as though my soul is being sucked out of me. Oddly enough, everyone keeps on telling me that I look so fantastic - tanned, happy, eyes bright. I am wearing bright yellow today! I tell the nice ones - jokingly - that this place will soon suck that out of me and I will look like hell again. I think they think I'm joking...

6:55 p.m. - 2008-05-22

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

other diaries:

stepfordtart
ohell
awittykitty
annanotbob
manfromvenus
smartypants
fifidellabon
hungryghost
hissandtell