enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I wish I had some lard.

Well, like teranika, I'm a little bit blue today. Not sure why.

I mean, I felt very alert this morning, on account of the run. I didn't sleep very well last night, however, so that might be it. I'm also eating bread at the moment, since I need to have another test re. the gluten thing. I don't trust the earlier test. There is something weird going on with my digestive system.

Hmm... Really, I was perfect in Italy.

The weather here is AWFUL. I haven't seen the sun since I left Italy, which is of course part of it. And the whole letting the Marco thing peter out is of course difficult. I mean, I'm not going to email him every day this summer. I am not fantasizing about a relationship with a guy whom I really could not date. And I should definitely not have any expectations for the fall. A great deal can happen in a few months.

I don't know. The melancholy that is settling in simply feels like a kind of malaise, fatigue. There's just nothing here that I particularly like. My work doesn't interest me, much as I try - I worked consistently and well in the last two days. I'm also not really looking forward to anything, since the art and Italian courses seem a long way off (at least a month). Yeah.

ANd I have to admit - and this is unkind of me - but I feel it is such a shock to be here and looking around at the people in this town. The people are so bland.

You know, what it probably is is simply that my job is so isolating. I sit all day in that ugly office with my giant computer screen, playing with numbers. There really isn't much human interaction most days and when there is it isn't particularly stimulating. That must be it.

I noticed when I was Italy - didn't we all - that the only day I felt really badly was on my birthday. And that was because my new friends had left and I was left to my own thoughts. I think that that is what my life is all about here.

And definitely the chilly weather and complete lack of sun is NOT helping. It feels like winter.

The only really positive thing that I can say about Ottawa is that the lilacs are beautiful. I've always loved 1) lilacs; 2) lily of the valley. These are *my* special spring flowers. I just adore them.

I think that that is it.

OH, other sad news: I canceled my delievery from the farm today. I was getting very disappointed last month because the sizes of the containers and bags that they were sending were shrinking. I was buying a two-person basket to boot, and without C's participation it was pricey. So I'm going to have to make sure that I bike weekly to the local farmer's market to make sure that I get local and hopefully organic food. There is an organic food store near by and I am going go try to buy particular things from them. I will probably save bout $150 a month, which is pretty useful when one wants to travel and take art courses. I guess that every penny counts. Still, it hurt to do it.

Uh. Sigh. Sigh. That's all I can think of. I should go and take a hot bath and then cook a good meal. Perhaps what I'll do is arrange to go and get a facial or maybe a massage this week, to perk my mood up a little bit. Oh, and I should grab the arts paper. I must confess that my landlord asked me to go to a concert tomorrow and I reluctantly said yes. C. was there too, fortunately, and so he was invited along as well. So that makes it easier. Still, I am starting to feel a bit depressed I think, since I don't feel excited about the concert. Not like me!

I think I'm lonely. Yeah, I'm lonely. I had a taste of something sweet and I know that it will likely be years before I have the same taste again. The men who like and have some ability to understand me and to whom I am attracted are so few and far between. Really, so few and far between. :) Oh well!! C'est la vie.

I'm going to take my whining self into a bubble bath.

6:33 p.m. - 2008-05-21

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