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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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So should I just go and "get some stuff?" Maybe I should ask for an Italian donation. (Just checking to see if you were listening. ;))

Oh my lord this is going to be a sort of rambling entry.

My head is all over the place - not bad; not good.

I had a pretty good day. I mean, it was gloomy and horrible in Ottawa and I was back in my office with the mysterious ten-foot walls covered in grey tweed. Yes, I know.

And I got there and it was strangely quiet.

Wait: I should tell you that I am not drunk but I am tipsy. I had one small shot of aperatif with my landlord when I took him his gift and it went straight to my head. Jetlag, I guess.

ANyhow. At the office. My boss is away for two days, the senior guy was away...there was nothing really to do but to make work for myself.

And the weird thing is that people actually came by to talk to me, ask about my trip. And this guy who NEVER talks to me saw me walk down the hall and exclaimed enthusiastically to Farrah, "Look! EB is back!"

I mean, WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY COLLEAGUES?

It was kind of surreal.

Speaking of surreal, I must admit that I think last night I still woke up in the middle of the night and wasn't quite sure where I was. I know that for sure on Saturday night I was confused enough that I thought I was in limbo somewhere between Italy and Ottawa, and that I should be looking out to make sure that someone hadn't snatched my passport. And then I spotted my bike in my bedroom and slowly came to realize, "WAIT! That's my bike."

And of course the programming and everything came back easily today and I felt generally calm and everything.

And there was also this weird and exciting email in my inbox from this woman who wants me to come over and work for her at hte other department. It was weird because she had sent me a poster for ANOTHER job at an even higher level and salary that she thought I should apply for. Unfortunately I got it three days too late, as the deadline had passed. But it was a nice gesture.

So I told that woman that I would be putting an application in to her upcoming competitions, which will take a few months anyhow and so there should be no unreasonably short time period before I need to tell my boss that I'm wanting to leave.

SPeaking of which, I am wondering if he knows that I am thinking of leaving, because when I got to work this morning I had an email from him welcoming me back and hoping that I'd had a nice vacation, and telling me that he is away for two days on leadership training or something. So that was very nice.

I actually worked very hard today, even though for the better part of the morning I was so distracted and emailing and talking to people. It was nice.

Anyhow. So many people called to invite me to do things -M., Natasha, Dan, R.

I initially made plans with Dan for tonight and then I begged out of them. Natasha is next Tuesday - I so love that woman and have missed her. She is one of those preturnaturally beautiful women who also happen to be - like a miracle - among the nicest and smartest out there. She's a dream. And she's married to a hot political science professor. I mean, I can't begrudge either of them anything. They are too lovely for words. And they find me funny, so I credit them with good taste. :)

SO I'm rambling. Umm... what else? Nothing, I think. OH yeah, I got a beautiful email from Marco today. He really is so lovely. I will see this guy again, if only once or twice and briefly.

It actually occurred to me that I am at peace with not finding anyone. Maybe for the next year or two I just need to go with the flow and have little things like I have with Marco from time to time. I can savour life in this way without any big long term commitments. It's kind of a freeing thought. It's starting to dawn on me more and more that I'm only now at the very beginning of really taking my life for what it could be, and as a result I'm just not "cooked" enough to be with anyone. I suppose that that has been obvious to all of you, but I'm starting to get that I've been fighting the wave rather than rolling with it. DOH! I am so dense. MY mother always used to say, "EB, for a smart person you are so astonishingly stupid." Truer words were probably never spoken. I don't take it as an insult - I just never really *get* certain things. :)

OH! Speaking of which, the poet scientist emailed me today. So the guy tries to kiss me three weeks ago, telling me how unbelievably much he likes me, and today he is now back together with his girlfriend, "because she will give him the life that he wants." (His words.) What a winner. I'm glad I didn't hold my breath that he would change. Actually, I pride myself about being right about him all along - he is a coward.

OH! He told me something very interesting though. YOu know how I found out that there is a Br!tish Institute course in Florence that I would like to take a couple of weeks of in September? Well, the poet scientist emails me that he has bought cheap tickets to Frankfurt in an Air Canad@ seat sale for September. SO I go on their website and sure enough I can go from Ottawa to Milano for 299 each way (plus taxes, so adding up to abou 880 round trip) in the period from September 8 to October 12. I haven't booked yet but I am VERY tempted. Really, why not? I could give myself another wonderful 2-3 weeks in Tuscany, biking for a few days with M. and for the rest of the time studying art at the BI in Florence...I mean, I saved up my holidays from last year so I have the time. There's really no reason not to do it. Believe it or not, I am NOT indispensable. :)

Do you think I'm crazy? Uh. Maybe don't answer that.

I feel in some way as though I need to play out some of my desires and feelings. And I don't mean guy-related. I actually mean that if I were to buy the ticket and register for the course I actually WOULD take the Italian and do my drawing here this summer. I would give myself that extra nudge to do what I really want to do but put off ALL THE TIME because, you know, taxes are so important and all. :)

I don't know. Lots to think about. But I feel kind of proud of myself in a small, strange sort of fashion. The poet scientist makes me realize that I can be proud of the stumbling but honest way in which I am trying to figure out what will truly represent my bliss (and not hurt or use anyone else in the process). Not too bad, I think.

Oh, and I made the most awesome bruschetta tonight for C. It really is all in the olive oil. I'm glad that I smuggled it in. It reminds me of the grove in which I saw the very trees from which it was produced (the ones two entries back! Yes!). :) Beautiful.

OH, does anyone have ANY idea why a breast cancer campaign would ask for donations of old bras? M. asked me to bring some in for a friend of hers who is involved with a fundraiser and I can't for the life of me think of what the point of this might be. I mean, it's almost cruel and weird in a way. Anyhow. Inquiring minds want to know.

One of my favourite quotes ever (Margar3t Lawrence): So, if this were indeed my Final Hour, these would be my words to you. I would not claim to pass on any secret of life, for there is none, or any wisdom except the passionate plea of caring ... Try to feel, in your heart's core, the reality of others. This is the most painful thing in the world, probably, and the most necessary. In times of personal adversity, know that you are not alone. Know that although in the eternal scheme of things you are small, you are also unique and irreplaceable, as are all of your fellow humans everywhere in the world. Know that your commitment is above all to life itself.

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10:40 p.m. - 2008-05-20

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