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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I'm very sad. But I feel that this is a positive sadness. It is a learning sadness.

Wow. I've performed a nice little experiment on myself.

I go to Europe and have basically no stomach problems, even when I ate a tiny bit of pasta and bread.

I come back here and I'm grossly uncomfortable again, even though I can't put my finger on what I ate or drank that is doing it to me here. Maybe it's the coffee? (I always drank espresso in Italy.)

Weird.

And, to top it off, I have chewed my fingernails since I've been back here. Not a lot, but a little. HOrrible! This is all enough to know that this place is making me sick. I'm obviously really, really affected by my job and the lack of energy that I feel here. I'm lonely here. Really lonely.

So I have to make a pact to do something about this. I spent the last two days in my apartment. I suppose this was natural with the laundry, the jet lag and the really atrocious weather that we had, but it's such a habit with me. I basically spent the last year in my apartment, only reluctantly being dragged out. I just don't like or feel interested in what is on the outside here. I hermitize myself. If only it were as easy as it was in the hostel to meet kindred spirits in this town...

But next week will be different. I will force myself to go out for a bike ride in the hills (and maybe force myself to sign up for the local cycling club), (and maybe I should even go out with that nerdy outdoors club again next weekend for a hike), and I will get the local arts paper and go to whatever concert or event strikes my fancy. The summer drawing course and Italian course schedules have not yet been posted - they seem to start in July - so I'll have to wait on those. But maybe I can at least find a way into some related activities. So I have to be a good sleuth. The options are not as obvious here as they were in Italy. :)

Also, sad to say there are no lovely Marcos here to sweep me off my feet.

I went on the dating site to figure out how to cancel my subscription. Apparently I can't yet, which I suspected. But I put the matching function on hold so that I would not get any new ones. I need at least a week or so I think to digest all of this before even considering getting back in the saddle.

The really great thing, obviously, about the whole Italy and Marco experience has been that I have figured out that I need an artistic, sensitive, outdoorsy guy and not an automaton. And even better - I did not flirt with him at all. I was just myself and he liked me so much, anyhow! It was so EASY.

Oh I'm rambling again. I'm going to go and either drink or cry. But really I should just go to bed so that I can get up early and fresh tomorrow morning.

:)

Be happy, friends. I will get there, too. Probably sooner than I deserve to, with all of my whinging.

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9:54 p.m. - 2008-05-19

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