enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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So everything does happen for a reason. And as said EM Forst3r via Julian S@nds. "It is fate, but call it Italy if it pleases you..."

Do you know what?? And don't take this the wrong way, as it really isn't about M. Honestly. In fact, on the last night at the hostel I was enjoying a girls' night with a bottle of my wine and good conversation with the girls...and I was OK with not seeing him again.

But the thing is that I think that there is a good reason that I went to Florence, and that I was so moved by everything that happened there. I found such stillness and beauty in the churches.

And we all know that I have been watching A Room with a Vi3w for basically my entire adult life, over and over and over again.

So a couple of years ago I had looked into taking a course at the British Institute in Florence. And I just looked up their website to see that they have a range of very flexible courses that I could take for, say, up to a month, if I were able to get time off work in the fall. I could do a bit of biking with M., of course, but also start myself on the path of doing the art that I've always wanted to do. They offer a range of studio, art history and Italian courses, to people from all backgrounds. And the dates are flexible. I feel almost as though this last trip was simply a "scoping" trip.

So I've decided to hightail it here in Ottawa to do two things: sign up for a drawing program for the summer; sign up for an Italian language course. In the minimum I will meet people here in Ottawa who have similar tastes. Who knows - I might even make new friends. And, too, I might start figuring out how and why and what I can do to make a life that doesn't make me sick.

You know, the entire time that I was in Italy my stomach did not bother me. And now I'm back and my digestion has COMPLETELY gone off the rails. I feel pain in my lower intestines. It might be the food that I had on the Air France plane yesterday - I have to confess that French food is too rich for me - or just anxiety. I mean, I feel so anxious about work and being in Ottawa at hte moment that I caught myself biting the nails on my left hand just now! MY GOD it all unravels so quickly.

SO I was thinking about one other thing just a moment ago and that is that I am an archivist. I have a degree in library and archival studies and I even started some restoration courses. I just didn't pursue a job in the field after school as I was worried about each of security and money. I mean, maybe I should give some serious thought to doing some volunteer work and eventually moving into that profession.

Anything but feeling so empty and hungry in the way that I do in my job here. WHat have I been doing to myself?

And then, just a few minutes ago, as if BY MAGIC (and trust me, I have said nothing of any of these things to M., other that on the plane yesterday I was thinking about how I need to change my life around here in Ottawa so that it better reflects my passion), and I just got this email from him. I AM NOT JOKING.

"Every time I hear and/or talk with you, I realize how similar we are. We both look for security but at the end we know that security could be a golden cage and that we need at some point to fly out of it and move on."

Don't worry. I'm not yet going to fly out of my cage. But it is good to think and plan towards getting the keys out...

1:24 p.m. - 2008-05-18

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