enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Sniff sniff

Oh lordy, so I slept.

I feel awful though. But in a good way.

I wish I could articulate what happened really on that trip, but I don't think I can do it justice. On Wednesday night M. kept on shaking his head and expressing himself emotionally when we were talking in his car, saying how sad he was that I was leaving and that I lived so far away, since he knew from the first moment that he met me that he understood me and that I understood him.

It sounds very romantic and to be honest I didn't have the same reaction. I liked him completely from the very beginning, but it hadn't even crossed my head to have some sort of a romantic experience. I was just in "me" mode, i.e. being friendly and trying to make it a beautiful day to the degree that that was in my power.

But more and more as I reflect on what passed between us, and on what he has written to me subsequently, I realize that he might have been right. It was so easy to be with him. Every step of the way. We could just talk about everything, and sometimes we said the same thing at the same time. And, I mean, how am I going to find a deep, responsible, cycling guy who is also an artist...here in the Big Zero? Oh and did I mention that on the last night he told me very modestly that he had actually been a professional tenor saxophonist before that, which explains the jazz in the car.

Yeah, I know. It's pretty unlikely that I'll ever meet someone like that again. How sad to think that I might have actually met my soulmate without any chance of actually getting to spend more time with him. That would be just the kind of cosmic joke that would be played on me I sometimes think. :)

So anyhow whatever is is. I can't think further. And feeling sad actually feels good right now - I feel very alive. I redid my dating site profile with new pictures and new text. It's like I'm a completely different public version of myself than I was even two weeks ago - the curtain of what I thought I should be has lifted more to what I actually am. Only problem is that I have the wrong job and live in the wrong city...so I guess the message is that I need to start figuring out what I can do to change my profession, be myself, and maybe move to a place where I can find more like-minded people. Hmmm...

So I should really start uploading pictures. I don't think I have quite the emotional energy to do much of that today. But I'll post these two pictures of me with the poster guy who ran after me in Santa Croce, and of me on the second biking tour, at a little trattoria in the country. M. is to the left but out of respect I felt for now that I should leave him out of the post. And yes - I did not take a blow dryer wtih me to Florence and so my hair looks rather...flippy. :)

:)

Let me see if I can summon up a picture that I took from the hilltop overlooking the city, whilst enjoying the sun setting. Sigh. I want to be there.

.

You know, I know that I got something really beautiful out of this trip. M. said to me that I am right not to settle in my life on being with just anyone. But he did say, apologetically, at one point, "If I may say though you would be a wonderful mother."

And don't worry. He's older, he has a 17 year-old daughter who lives with him and who he is constantly worried about supporting. He wasn't making any suggestions towards me. He just said it in a spirit of honesty, which is what I took everything from him to be. Anyhow. So now I need to create a little box in my head of good memories, and allow those to be sufficient. Maybe, too, they are confirmation that I am on the right track if not in the best place right now, that my life has a trajectory that is right for me and that will take me where I need to go.

12:13 p.m. - 2008-05-18

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