enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Trying to crush the stupid, pointless ache

OK. So I've had a quick cry. I feel a bit better.

Upon some very (modest) reflection, I realize that this is all good. I had a good conversation and a nice time with a lovely guy. Sure, no deep physical attraction stirred, but I had a nice time. And this was the first guy I was matched with. I'm on the right track. And so is that dating site, clearly! I might have to go out with twenty or a hundred such guys or more before I find someone who matches.

I just have to try to be patient for a little bit longer. I feel really calm and ready and I actually wasn't nervous at all on the date. I was perfectly myself. I had a good time. THe guy must have felt comfortable with me, too, as he told me that he had recently lost fifty pounds. Sixty, actually. And that he's signed up for a gym and is starting to get in shape. He's such a motivated guy otherwise that I bet he'll succeed. That explains the baggy clothes. So good for him. And, too, maybe I should go on a few more dates with him and give him a chance. He's clearly a good guy. I'll have to think about it.

So, verdict: I'm sad and aching to have someone to be with, to touch...but I'm on the right track. There are good guys out there and there are some who will like me and to whom I will be attracted in a more physical way. And the only way that I am going to find them is by getting out there one day at a time.

I also need to open myself up to not expecting a guy to fulfill any arbitrary expectations that I might have about life or how my life should be lived. First and foremost I need a guy with passion and compassion. Those are the only two things that should matter. Add in a wee spark and we'll be good.

I mean, did I expect when this picture was taken -just three years ago - that I'd never be eating and baking my favourite bread again, or at least not for myself? No. :) And besides, do I have a right to be sad when I am going to Italia next week? No. No, I don't. Incidentally, cut a couple of inches off the bottom and that's what my hair looks like now.

>

So instead of giving myself the evil eye...>

I'm going to go over to C's now for dinner - why that man puts up with me I have NO idea - and try to be as gently happy as I can be (with added "quilts" for swimmmer :)).

;)

6:52 p.m. - 2008-05-03

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

other diaries:

stepfordtart
ohell
awittykitty
annanotbob
manfromvenus
smartypants
fifidellabon
hungryghost
hissandtell