enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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WHYYYYY do I need a chemistry lesson?

You know, I was sitting over at C's tonight trying to think about how that guy could become better looking!

I mean, I was wondering if if he wore better clothes - his clothes were AWFULLY baggy, in light of his recent weight loss, I suppose - he would look better.

But it wasn't even the misshapen body. The poor guy had bad skin, bad and yellow teeth, bad hair, very bad fashion sense. I really was looking for the good in him but there was nothing physical that I could salvage about him but his lovely eyes.

To be honest though, tonight as I was walking over to C's house I was thinking of giving myself over to this guy. :) I mean, of all the guys I've met in recent years, THIS is the type of guy who deserves to have an attractive, friendly woman on his arm. When I think of all the wankers I have dated who got to have their friends say, "She's funny! And nice! And smart! And what great legs!" UGH. Larry's friends loved me. (I hated them - they were boring and shallow and silly, but one.)

So I was thinking to myself, "This! This is the kind of guy who deserves a pleasant and stylish woman like me."

I know, it's not that I'm so great.

And this guy is really so sweet.

And yes, I know that I should not rationalize it out to make myself date him. I'm thinking though that I will go out one more time with him if he asks, and that I will tell him the absolute truth about how wonderful I think he is but that I'm not feeling that the chemistry will be there. He will see the feeling in my eyes and how sorry I am. Because I am sorry. I wish I could be less shallow and fall in love with a guy completely on the basis of his soul. I'm not sure that I can do that. I keep on hoping for both.

And, too, I should have added as well that even though this guy was lovely, lovely, lovely, our interests are quite different and I suspect our friends not in the least bit similar. He was smart and likes to read but he reads completely different things and is not at all artsy. So there. More good reasons not to try to make something with that guy. Ah sigh. I need to think rationally about these things. I'm just so tired of waiting...I realized coming home that I don't feel desperate but really impatient! It seems such a waste that I would be wasting all of my prime years not being joyful *with* someone.

11:12 p.m. - 2008-05-03

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