enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Trying to reprogram

So I'm sitting here trying to reprogram my brain into not feeling gloomy. It's sort of working, but I wish I could understand the path to here.

Well when I started out this morning I had a sore throat, but otherwise was pretty good. I went to French and went into the class all chipper and so on...but my goodness was the teacher ever horrible today and so rude. I tried not to let it get me down. He has his problems.

And then I went to work and of course right away there was something that had come back that we had done last week. It had nothing to do with me doing anything wrong, just an issue pertaining to a message and for what audience. I shouldn't take things like that personally, and I don't.

To be honest, I wish I could just forget about work! It's such a silly thing to think of when not at work.

I think that maybe I'm going to go and read the notes that I made last week about all of the bad mental habits that I have, since I seem to have slipped back into them.

To be honest, I am afraid about a couple of things right now. They are not rational things to be afraid of, really, because the outcomes can be less than great but not bad. I need to learn to be satisifed with good. Setting more realistic standards for myself is something that has been a long time coming. (What I really need to remind myself of at the moment is the Desider@ta: "Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness."

But I did do something very productive already tonight - I prepared a bag of clothes for the women's shelter. I wish I could have given them more summer clothes than I did, but I realized as I went through my clothes that I love having lots of old and funky tops and t-shirts that I can play with when I am in the mood for colour.

And then I felt selfish and sorry of course, for all of the poor women who have so little in comparison to me.

Gosh, if I had a dollar for every time I felt ashamed!

Oy! I really need help. I think I'm gradually reprogramming but only gradually.

Also, I always get a little bit scared before I go on a trip. It's pretty silly given that I have been over the Pacific I don't know how many times, and over the Atlantic almost as many times. Plus I'm tougher than I look.

OK, I'm really just a fluffy marshmallow, but don't tell any muggers or anyone with a sob story that, K?

I still can't decide about the dating site. They are tricky! They don't let you see the pictures unless you pay. So I can read what they say and not see their mugs. And you know how compelled I am by words...It could be quite dangerous. I might not be attracted to any of them.

Anyhow. I think I should stop thinking about dating. It's just too bad that more than anything I wish I could have a hug right now.I will give myself one - there, I did. I would ask C., but I hate needing things from him because he is under so much pressure right now. So I didn't tell him.

OK. C'est tout! I'm going to finally eat my beans.

And then I will be full of beans now that I've spilled my other ones.

Oh good grief there's a science show on the radio right now and the woman on it is talking about my uncle the entomologist.

11:14 p.m. - 2008-04-28

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