enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Confusion, genuine confusion

Oh my god I wish I could tell you what is happening but I'm almost shocked with it myself.

I am more drunk than I have been in probably 20 years. I didn't realize at any given point that I was going over the top - others were controlling the top - but it crept up on me.

I hate this feeling.

But otherwise what a wonderful evening!

I'm a different person. I'm myself again, finally. Tonight, I was out with eight girls and four guys plus a musician, and guess how many guys asked for my phone number?

Six!

I don't understand it, either. I'm very demure and I definitely wasn't coming on to to anyone! But the waiter and the guy who owns the restaurant and the waiter at the bar we went to, plus the three unmarried guys at the party asked for my number. One of the guys who was particularly keen was an economist- lawyer guy with the competition tribunal; the other was a singer with a PhD in chemistry.

I don't understand my instant attraction but it was there. I was just myself. And all of a sudden they all love me. I don't understand.

And all of a sudden when I was sitting at the second bar, drunk and horribly sorry that i was, I remembered the man who once told me when I was 26 and in Australia with my boyfriend: "No! YOu are not pretty but you are beautiful. It's your soul. I see you. Taches de rousseur."

It's like Andrew in London who looked at me and said the same thing. My heart aches for Andrew again sometimes but I will never again find him. He is gone.

I forgot. Some men *will* love me. I don't know why, I don't know how. It just is. And I forgot. I don't know how or why I forgot but it is real. It is real! I marvel at it! All of the wasted time and energy.

Actually, I was a hit tonight. My friends M and M and I grew closer and the friend who had organized the party and I really hit it off. She loved me! I forget - I forget that I love people and care about their plight and so they love me back. My life is open now and everyone wants to be in it. I'm so lucky.

I'm so lucky. I don't know how I got to be so lucky, but I know now that I am lucky and blessed. I have everything that I need to be happy, I am a beautiful person just as I am. It's marvelous but it is actually true! I can't believe it!

2:39 a.m. - 2008-04-27

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