enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I can do so much, if I choose!

Oh my goodness...so not a good day.

I can finally get down some food without feeling the urge to run to the washroom to throw up.

I didn't actually throw up today, but all day my stomach has felt acidic and horrible and I've been constantly woozy.

Serves me right! What a horrible way to "spend" the lovely dinner that we ate last night. It was completely occluded by the alcohol. We were drinking expensive wine, unfortunately or fortunately, so I suppose at least I was burning out my insides with something delicious.

I feel like making a chocolate torte, suddenly. Hmm.. Maybe I will. But shucks, I don't think I have any frozen raspberries to top it with...

I'm just eating a hearty black bean stew with seared tomatoes and topped with a bit of grated cheese. I'm not exactly enjoying eating, but this seems to be sitting fairly well.

So I went back to bed between 12 and 2 - I simply HAD to...and C. let himself into my apartment on his way home from having played his Sunday football game on Parl!ament Hill. He found me in bed and started stroking my cheek in sympathy - I know, I know, so like a scene from a 19th century opera in which the heroine dies of consumption or something - and although I liked the sympathy I had to tell him, "Dude, no! I did it to myself! I'm a lush!"

So he laughed and suggested that we go for a run. To this I said, "I can't even giggle and so jiggle my head right now without wanting to puke. I'm afraid that you are going to have to come back for me...six hours from now!"

So I suspect that I will sweat it out in a few hours from now. I might get up on my bicycle for a bit and test the waters, but only in a couple of hours. WHAT a waste of a weekend!

At least it is my last week of work before the holiday, so losing half of the weekend is not such a big crisis. :)

I don't think that there is anything else to report. Oh, I deleted my profile on that tacky dating site. There might be some great guys on there but one would have to wade through such a bunch of dismal dross in order to get to them. No, I think the expensive-ish one shows more commitment and probably more class in its participants, so when I get back from Italy I will probably try it.

I didn't give out my phone number to anyone last night, but I think that the lawyer competition tribunal guy was very keen and will likely get my number through M. So we'll see. Initially I thought that I'd rather poke my eyes out than go out with a guy who wants to do an MBA and work in market penetration for useless products no one needs - snore (I know - I'm a horrible snob) - but after talking with him -and, frankly, being quite argumentative with him - I discovered him to be a sweet guy with a depth of feeling for his family, an appreciation of education of all types - his parents are Lebanese immigrants who obtained PhDs in weird subjects, whilst working to raise their family - and completely good humoured in the face of my challenges. So if he can endure the possibility of a date with me, I suppose that I could honour him with a date.

It's a question as to how important it is to me that work - and my spouse's work - be tightly in tune with my values.

Actually, oddly enough, I started articulating ideas at the party last night that I didn't realize I had been thinking. Sadly, the subject came up because M., the woman I've loved getting to know, is hoping to move back home to Victoria by next year.

And then she broke the news: The other librarian girl and her wonderful boyfriend whom I wrote about the other day, hoping that they would move back to Lotusland and have beautiful babies...have decided to move back to Victoria in the fall.

Sigh. So all of the new people whom I've been getting to know and with whom I've been forming a real connection are planning to leave!

I guess it's not that surprising. People who have tastes similar to mine only stay in Ottawa for one of two reasons 1) family obligations; 2) too much difficulty finding career opportunities in their home provinces.

When I think about it, this is the thing that I have always hated about Ottawa. Everyone leaves. First there was the engineer couple with whom my then boyfriend Dan and I became good friends in 1997. They finally decided to take a pay cut and move back to Nova Scotia.

And then there was my awesome fellow economist Derrick and his wife. They moved back west after a few years. Alberta was starting to boom and she was an accountant, so they had mobility.

And now I'm going to lose M. and S. and S. It's kind of heartbreaking.

M. kept on trying to convince me to move to Victoria, too, stating that I'd be able to get a job as an economist out there. She is correct that with cuts in the 90s and with retirements the government is lean there. I could probably eventually get a job as they'll need to hire decent people. It would be a very attractive possibility were real estate not phenomenally expensive in Victoria. In fact, I don't really desire to own a home, but I probably will buy in the next few years if I feel that it is the best investment decision. I'd buy a real fixer-upper in an area that *I think* will soon become hot. Or I'll buy a place with a good lot way out in the country. It's kind of astoundign that people live in the suburbs in Ottawa - go another ten miles and you've got beautiful countryside.

AH I don't know. Oh. I forgot where I was going with this. Where I was going with this is that they started asking me what I could see myself doing in the long term.

And right away came out of my mouth something pertaining to advocacy. I mean, I said something about going to work for a social policy think tank, or, better yet, starting my own.

Could you imagine that? Me out on the news trying to get the people to force the government to do socially useful things?! I'd love that!

Of course, sadly, this becomes a time in which the not having finished my PhD thesis becomes an issue. Finishing it would do nothing for me in my current job - with the research that I did as well as the comps and so on I have all of the skills that I would have had I finished the thesis, excepting evidence of determination - which obviously I lacked! - yes!

I suppose I could look into finishing my thesis at a department here, but the idea of spending another couple of years in an economics department (since I'd have to redo some of it) does not compare favourably with, oh, pulling all of my eyelashes out one by one.

No, I'm not sure that even *I* could discipline myself to do that. I've suffered enough in my life. I'm not about the suffering anymore.

But, what can I do?

One other interesting idea that came up last night by this very interesting "diplomatic brat" woman was for me to work in publishing. Publishing in Canada is very much a melange of public and private sectors, with public dominating. And in spite of the unfinished state of my PhD work in economics, with my mixture of graduate degrees (economics and the library and archival degree), plus my knowledge of government and my years working in international trade with foreign [email protected] have a pretty good set of skills to apply to that industry. Plus I believe in the centrality of words to a culture, to a nation. And, I've wanted for a long time to get involved in helping the publishing industries in developing countries to grow...But then thinking along this line I've been thinking that if I stay in finance/tax or move back to statistical systems I could go on exchange to developing countries in the projects in which we try to share knowledge and capacity.

Hmm...Things worth thinking about. You know, I just really need to turn all of my thinking to what I want to do with my life, where I want to go, now that I'm starting to become strong and whole again. :)

That was a long ramble. I've finished my beans. My stomach still hurts. I think, like the invalid I am, I will go and sit by the window and turn my aching head to the sun. :)

You know, one of the most interesting - and not upsetting at all, believe it or not - thoughts that I have had recently is that maybe if I had found out about the gluten allergy a few years ago I would have not so readily given up my thesis given pressure loaded on me by my horrible supervisor. I mean, if the anxiety and fatigue that I've often felt in recent years has all been coming from the gluten...it's no wonder that I felt disempowered and lost my confidence.

GOsh life is complicated! Just a little, tiny thing can throw one off. I always try to remember this with others and their life experiences. I need to keep on trying this with myself!

Incidentally when I go to Vancouver for the conference from June 5-8, I'll be seeing my former supervisor. Would it be reasonable for me to give her the squinty eyes treatment? ;)

3:52 p.m. - 2008-04-27

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

other diaries:

stepfordtart
ohell
awittykitty
annanotbob
manfromvenus
smartypants
fifidellabon
hungryghost
hissandtell