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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Dum dah dum dum dum! I'm singing Schubert's fifth symphony, first movement! Yes, I am!

I have been writing A LOT lately. And my friends I DO NOT expect you to read it all and to comment on it.

This morning I started thinking a bit about why I'm writing. I mean, we know why I am writing. I have been writing, for several years now, as a kind of opening up, a therapy, and more hopefully in an initiative to connect with those rare people scattered all over the place with whom I can share a bit of understanding that one doesn't always find in everyday life.

PHew! THat was a long sentence.

We tend to view searching, I think, as a kind of pathology. I remember Larry last year staring at me blankly when I asked him any question with an underlying why.

I mean, I realize that poking at Larry is like plucking low-hanging fruit.

But I digress.

I find this all over the place, as I've written many times before. "Just put on a happy face! Think positively and world will come up roses...until it doesn't."

The thing is - I'm happy to say - is that I've discovered both peace and something pretty nearly approximating stability and self-understanding and self-forgiveness through this process. It's been quite a journey.

ANd now that I've figured out what has been dragging me down physically as well, I feel like I'm blooming like spring. Hence the writing. The writing is flowing out of my pores. It's kind of cool. It doesn't feel needy or angsty. It feels explorative and genuine.

Well, I've always been genuine. But I like this genuine better. Best.

It's a beautiful day. I woke up late-ish and have been listening to the radio with the window open. I'm tempted to go to the writers festival for its last day, today, but it seems a shame to be inside. Furthermore, the events are rather expensive, and I've spent a lot of money in the last week or two. (And we all know that I must save at least a little bit of money so that I can really engage with Italy. Read: Buy a great pair of shoes. :))

I'm just kidding. I do like shoes, but believe it or not I'm quite practical with respect to shoe-buying. I always buy shoes that go with everything. I only have one or two pairs of impractical shoes. I wear my two pairs of office shoes - one these days, really: my fake-croc, rounded toe heels that go with everything - until they wear out.

That was a real digression.

I guess the point of everything is that I don't feel trapped any longer. I feel like going out to places and I go. I will continue to motivate myself to get out and go. Today I'll likely stay in but it is mostly because I have engagements on pretty much every day next week.

Of course, some of this comes from feeling more control at work. I don't love it there but I have come to a bit of a detente with it. People are being a bit friendlier to me these days now that they know me, and I've contributed a fair bit in recent weeks. It's still not job love and never will be, but I'm grateful for the benefits that this job offers to me and that are not afforded to many others.

SO on to online dating.

I was reading this morning an incredible website written by a writer and English teacher who is gluten-free. It's a pretty delightful site and her writing is engaging. Her situation a few years ago resembles mine - not feeling great, starts feeling great once wheat is gone, single, late 30s, a sensualist.

And it's this last bit that got me. I was reading a story that she wrote about getting healthier, applying her love of writing to food writing, enjoying and building a new understanding of food in her life and exploring her senses.

And then of course the story goes on...to a website, a book, meeting the love of her life, having a child at 41.

I mean, not to fantasize or anything, but I realize that I need not expect NOR exclude any range of possibilities from my life.

No prescription there, just musing.

She quoted V!rginia Woolf at one point: "We write to live twice."

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

I'm drawn to things that taste and fill my senses otherwise with a belief in the existence of a miraculous kind of beauty: the ordinary beauty of living.

So I'm thinking a great deal about this and realizing that the best way to articulate my frustration with dating and with online dating and with everything else is this:

On the surface I look like every other girl walking around town: Trim and fit, stylishly attired. Blue eyes, tall-ish, long legs.

Guys online and in the world see *that* girl. They see that girl and they interpret that girl as "fun, easygoing, likes the gym, hanging out."

Old men see something different. They seem to see gentle, pensive, patient, appreciative.

There's got to be a young old man out there who will be reaching for the insights that are relevant to me.

I read these dating profiles of the guys who write to me, and even the well-meaning ones don't interest me.

I mean, "I'll hold your hand as we walk on the beach and then we can go hottubbing and cuddle up by a roaring fire."

And I thought about why this repels me so much. It repels me because any kind of "romance" that you can write down as a formula is not in fact romance.

It's like everyone is searching for a box, a formula, that everything can fit in. Love is not a formula, just like beauty is not a formula.

I guess it's why when I was younger and I had boyfriends I would not let them buy me jewellery, did not want them to buy me Val3ntine's gifts. Perhaps I was being blunt-force stupid and genuinely naive, but the point is that I want to walk in my life with a spirit open to find my own path.

I don't want to be afraid to be different and to needle my way via my feelings to the right spot.

OK. That's it for my meandering. I realized in reading this gluten-free adorable person's website that ohhhhhhhh the sensual pleasure of food. I've put so little time into food in my life, but I'm thinking that right now might be the perfect time to flip the switch not only to drawing and art in general but to foodie-ism. :)

Like my new word?

I'm going to explore this gluten-free thing by exploring a universe of foods I've never tried.

SO, there, decided. I think that today instead of the writer's fest it will be seeking out new ingredients and preparing a feast for my dear C.

In fact, I am rather worried about C. He will be back from Montreal this aft. I forbade him to take any work - made him swear that on the bus home he would read for pleasure or stare out the window or listen to music, muse.

He's so stuck, my poor C. As usual, he's like a broken record beating his head against a wall with an interest in a girl who has played cat and mouse with him for months. In his head he believes that she will change her mind and fall in love with him, that she simply isn't ready for a relationship. I had to tell him, honestly, not to hurt him, that she's thinking "I like this guy, he's a nice person. But really, I'm hoping that someone will come along who will sweep me off my feet before I make the decision to be with this good but not quite right guy."

And the tears welled up in C.'s face. I felt so terrible. And I hugged him and he feels so thin. He's been thin this year, I know in part because of the stress of his thesis not being or getting done - another part of why he's focused externally on yet another girl who is not really available to him.

I need to nurture my C. friend with good food. He's so special and adorable - so many girls would love him. He just always goes for the ones who have completely different personalities than his. He's stuck. Aren't we all?

Have a wonderful weekend, if you lovely friendly souls actually got to the end of this. And yes, skimming is always allowed.

:)


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12:00 p.m. - 2008-04-19

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