enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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xoxoxx

In guilt or at least the relative insouciance of youth, I write again!

I'm still up; sobering up.

It's not good. I know.

But I'm here and I'm figuring things out.

I'm really good - not miserable at all. I think I'm just starting to hope and to strive for more. I've been working so hard for a number of years now, and it's time to cut myself some slack.

I just need to figure out how and when. I've figured out the why.

I'm fatigued by thinking about me - I can't imagine what it looks like from the outside.

In 2.75 weeks I am going to Italia! I'm so excited. What a phenomenal privilege to be me and to have the life that I have. I simply need to step back and enjoy it.

I could be loved, if I wanted it. Dan loves me, or he would, if I'd let him. The poet scientist would love me, if I'd let him. I'm kind of lost in a muddle. I don't know where I should be or where I should harvest whatever. What I do know is that I need to love my life now! I need to look forward to and enjoy these gifts that I have now.

I don't know why I got distracted by the drummer guy. It scares me because it is so idiotic and scary as to be reminiscent of Larry.

I need to stop thinking, however, so I won't analyse it. I'm going to close my eyes and point myself in the opposite direction. Pretty simple. And life is meant to be fun so I am going to have fun. I was made for fun!

xo

2:14 a.m. - 2008-04-16

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