enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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A day of lovely, beautiful opposites!

OK. So today was a GREAT day. I think the best day of my life. It's a day of opposites. I wish I could jump to the opposite side of the colour wheel -rename this diary EnfinYellow, or Enfindaffodil or jonquil or something, because I do not believe that Enfinblue is appropriate from this day forward. :)

It's such a slow process, this change thing.

But I know that the most worthwhile thing I can do is to change things that simply aren't working.

I haven't been perfectly happy or calm. I must, therefore, not be working perfectly.

I won't bore with the details but basically I discovered today that when I deal with my panic and anxiety attacks I always do exactly the opposite of what is recommended. (I listened to those audio tapes and also talked to a counselor today (who was excellent, incidentally.))

I've come to the conclusion that my fundamental problem is stubbornness. On some level I am attached to/don't want to give up those destructive thoughts about myself that cause me to panic!

And just sitting here right now it makes sense to me that I don't want to let go of those thoughts because they've been with me for my whole life. Could it be that I don't want to let go of who I was when I was young, how I felt about the world when I was young, because on some level I have the faulty belief that not giving up that place means that I can somehow go back there and then things will turn out differently than they did?

I don't know if that makes sense. No one told me this - I came to this thought myself. I've had what seems like an epiphany - that I've WANTED to stay stuck. I've never thought that before - I've always convinced myself that I felt the opposite.

Weird. It's really weird. But I think I've been willing myself to feel badly.

I wrote to Amanda today about not running with her this spring - our schedules really don't match and I don't want to be rushing around - and she wrote back about how fabulous she thinks I am and how glad she has been to have been getting to know me. And my first thought? What? How could she be talking about me? I'm not fabulous in any way.

UGH. SO much work to do. It's easier to think that way about myself because then I don't have to worry about disappointing people - I assume that I always do, always will.

So I don't live in the present moment and I keep on hoping that by some magic if I don't change my whole life will reverse itself and everything will turn out differently than it did. It's like I've been living in a bad dream that I don't want to end. Because then it's over.

Well that's it for the psycho babble.

I feel much better, now, obviously.

And thankfully the horrible thing that is Monday has passed. The real test will be how many Mondays it will take before I will conquer this once and for all.

Have a great day and again thanks for listening! I'll be funny tomorrow, I promise!

Oh, actually, I was kinda funny today. The therapist mentioned something about how the panic response had something to do with evolutionarily the being preyed upon by wild, charging beasts thing, and that this hopefully isn't the case anymore. So I mentioned that he hadn't met my landlord.

:)

That's all. There is no more. Oh, except that I'm also going to continue not looking out for people like the s e. I'm going to look out for myself. To be perfectly frank, I feel that he has gradually been revealing himself to be a bit of a blowhard, anyhow. I got a nice note today from a person about some good work that I had done, so I'm starting to believe again in "slow and steady wins the race." I'm definitely not flashy and bells and whistles but eventually the trust builds and things are, if not great, better.

7:18 p.m. - 2008-04-07

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