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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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DVD player broken. The crime!

Annamaria: Yes! It's WONDERFUL to feel like a daffodil.

Honestly, my new yellow sweater is pretty much the best purchase I have made in a long time. Right up there with the upgraded seat to Le Songe last week, and the ticket to La Traviata.

So I canned the party tonight. I know, back to my old ways. I just couldn't muster the effort - prepare food, buy gift, get dressed up, walk through the blizzard. I shouldn't fall back into my old trap/pattern of doing little, perpetually coveting my time. But tonight I felt that I wanted to hold back. I hope I reap the rewards next week in a more relaxed work week from start to finish.

Damn! Tomorrow we must put the clocks forward. I hate that.

Yes, Fifi, I've decided that I'm too nice most of the time. You know, a friend told me that when she watched P@n's L@byrinth she thought that the little girl was me. Always in an epic battle of good against evil. I'm just not up to the task.

Speaking of which, my dvd player broke. :(

THe worst thing about cheap things breaking is that you can't justify spending the money to try to get them repaired. Basically you have to buy a new one. And then you feel like crap for having to get rid of the old stuff. I'm so riddled with guilt over my consumption.

I think that that is it. I think I'm going to make fudge brownies tonight. Why? I have no idea.

I did spin today, and I'll be running long in the snow tomorrow, bounding like a golden retriever. In any event, I supposed that one does not need to justify fudge brownies. You only live once.

I don't konw what else to say. I'm in a weird mood. It's not an unpleasant mood, but it's odd. It's an "I want my brain to go completely blank" kind of mood. A little bit earlier I opened the curtains and sat at my table and just *sat in* the light reflecting off the snow, listened to the blizzard-y bits hitting the window pain, sipped some coffee.

I feel calm. I might read tonight, I might watch a film on tv. I might do absolutely nothing. Perhaps I'll have a bath. I'd light some candles but DARN I STILL do not have any matches. I have these lovely vanilla candles that Alan brought back from Thailand for me oh six years ago and that I've never burned. I'm kind of slow to do things.

So anyhow, this brings me to an intereting thought. In my "overcoming self-sabotage" course thingie that I've been working through I've reached the point at which one is supposed to be completley honest with oneself and acknowledge somethign that one has been in denial about. And I can't really think of anything. I get so confused in these things. It's like there's supposed to be some glaring truth, some monumental barrier to acknowledge that one hasn't. And I can't think of anything. Perhaps I'm TOO truthful with myself.

YOu know, I'm in denial maybe about needing a couch. I STILL have not bought one. This is preventing me from inviting people over. Well, that and I'd have to do a heck of a lot of organizing and cleaning in order to comfortably have people over. So perhaps my denial is that I'm really reaching out, ready to live. Perhaps I'm still delaying it.

It's funny though - at the moment I feel somewhat over-connected and overly busy. I feel like I need to steal back my time and space. I guess it's a matter of negotiation of balance.

And of course I still have the little matter of figuring out what I want to do with the rest of my life. Do I work to live, i.e. tolerate a job I less than love and spend my off-time doing the things I love? Or do I pursue the alternative and try to find a more fulfilling career? On net, given the costs of adjustment, is significant change worthwhile?

And again the answer of the moment is: I want my brain to be blank, my heart to be quiet, the evening to be relaxed. So I'm going to go and do something else.

OH! And I got my approval yesterday for my trip to Vancouver in the first week of June. I'm excited about being able to see the 'couv again for a few days. I'll see my coach, have coffee with teranika, run in the forest, snooze in the economics conference :). Shall be nice.

Of course I leave for the conference two days after I get back from bicycling from Ottawa to Kennebunctport over four days (plus a day on the bus back). Crazy?

Yes! YEs, I am nuts.

I just hope I can actually walk in Vancouver.

I'll be optimistic and assume so. :)

Off to fudge brownie land.

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7:38 p.m. - 2008-03-08

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bleak that flips over to daffodil - 2011-04-08