enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I shouldn't say these things out loud, perhaps. But they're true.

I went to see a ballet tonight that was just soooo incredible...

It was the Mont3 Carlo Ballet doing Le Song3 - A Midsummer Night's Dr3am, with just the edge of eroticism that it merits. I was in tears. I stood immediately to applaud.

So....just what you should always hear old ladies in tafetta jackets saying to each other as you walk out of a performance: "I liked the sequence in which she made love with the ass."

So there you go. So funny.

You know - and I shouldn't admit this on the INternet (women everywhere will want to kill me) - but I'm OK with my growing thighs. I've realized that I need to go up from a 26 to a 27 jean. I can live with that. I bought some tonight, only all they had was a slight flare leg and I realize now that I hate that. They need to be bootcut or skinny. So I must go back. I can't wait to have some jeans that don't turn me into the proverbial sausage of which I have spoken so frequently.

You know, I think I've made another decision recently. After that big conversation with the awful girlfriend last weekend I realized that for sure I could never go out and get pregnant on my own. It's just not something that I could ever do. Children deserve fathers.

And it's unlikely that I'm going to meet my soulmate in time for me to have children.

So I've accepted that one doesn't get everything in life that one possibly wants (and note the possibly - it's so contingent on the soulmate thing for me that it's not even a certainty). I've decided that I won't have any children of my own.

And the really empowering thing about this is that it is a choice that I am making for myself - about changing my expectations, learning to love this moment in my life. It is not a choice that anyone else is going to make for me - either implicitly or explicitly.

So I'm here, now. I'm here. And I wouldn't be so shocked if in five years or so I considered adopting an older child whom no one wants. Optimally if I'm partnered with someone super cool and awesome. I'd love so much to give a fun home to some child who would never otherwise have a chance.

Incidentally, I've declared a moratorium on dating for 2008. I deleted my online dating profile permanently about three weeks ago. It was too demeaning a process for me. Or I wasn't handling it the right way. I don't know. I'm going to pursue my interests and my volunteer work alone. Perhaps I'm meant to be on my own in my life after all. And that's A OK.

OK. I should go to bed!

Spinning in the morning.

12:44 a.m. - 2008-03-01

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

other diaries:

stepfordtart
ohell
awittykitty
annanotbob
manfromvenus
smartypants
fifidellabon
hungryghost
hissandtell