enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Nothing like a good dose of meow with your chocolate mousse and carrot birthday cake...

Oh my lord...you don't want to know how crazy I am.

I decided to skate two miles up the canal in the dark to the dinner party, with a birthday cake perched on my right hip. Yes, yes I did!

It was in a box, don't worry.

But how crazy is that?

It was SOOOOO much fun.

:)

As I was walking down her street after leaving the canal it occurred to me that my host was turning 35. Given this, she'd get just as much pleasure out of hearing a story about me face planting into her birthday cake as she was about to from the actual cake.

It's good to not be 13 anymore.

:)

Otherwise, the dinner party was a disaster!

I think I mentioned that I met this girl through the poet scientist. They went to university together years ago. They're very good friends.

This girl and I get along like a house on fire. I like her a lot. We're running tomorrow night. I like her temperament.

THe dinner was wonderful. A is a great cook.

But oh lord, the girlfriend. She was the only other person there. From what the hostess had said about "people" arriving, I had thought that there would be others there.

But no. No.

I had put on decent trousers and a sweater and earrings and a necklace.

Totally overdressed.

So there is girlfriend in a tight hoodie thing and my god she went at me with a vengeance. At one point she actually asked me, point blank: 1) how old I am; and 2) if I was about to go and have a kid, given the biological clock thing.

I mean, I forgive the women given that clearly she is feeling threatened. I even feel sorry for her. But may I say IMPUDENCE THY NAME IS SALLY? I KNOW THY WICKED WAYS?

(Not her real name - don't worry.)

Anyhow. Someone needs to get her a book on "How to keep a man," since she was putting nail after nail into her "being shipped out" crate tonight. I could see the poet scientist starting to get really irritated. At one point she turned to him and asked him when he had started having biological clock ticking feelings.

This is really unkind, as anyone who knows him knows. He was married for ten years, to a woman who was very depressed and whom he tried to nurture in every way. He still feels badly about giving up. He had wanted to have a family. He's pretty desperate to have a family now, which is basically in part why he ended up in his current relationship - he wants to get on with things. He actually snapped at her when she asked him this, which is so far against his personality that even I was shocked. TO be honest, I think he snapped in order to not start crying. It's that touchy a subject for him. And I have to ask myself: Is she really THAT fearful or is she STUPID? And I say this given that I got from her no sense that she was trying to be cruel. IN fact, throughout the dinner she was caressing him whenever she could. It was such a train wreck - the kind of train wreck made more miserable when it is two feet away from you and so unavoidable to watch. UGH. SOOOOOOOO sooooo SOOOOO not good. Just like, can I crawl out of here now?

I feel sorry for both of them. They both need some therapy.

But speaking of therapy, honestly, the therapy that has been this whole year or two has set me on a good road. I felt completely removed from the whole thing tonight, and I could honestly say that "No, I am not desiring to go out and have a child. I may one day adopt, but not for several years."

In honest - cross my heart - truth, I truly do not even want to have a boyfriend right now.

For the first time ever I am happy to be alone.

Not out of defensiveness or fear of letting anyone in, but because I'm enjoying so many moments of my life at the moment. I feel delight, amusement, self-respect every day. I feel good.

In a way I think that having this rotten job is what has flipped the switch for me. I'm starting to make the tough changes in my thinking, my expectations, my understanding of my relationship to work.

Most of all I'm starting to truly believe that what I think or feel or want to do is not inherently wrong. In fact, I realize that I've been harbouring all sorts of delusions for ALL SORTS OF YEARS that there is something wrong with me.

I honestly might believe that there is nothing wrong with me.

You have no idea how revolutionary that is for me. THat's like the clouds parting, the angels singing.

IN fact, I might even be able to venture that there are so many things RIGHT about me.

I almost can't believe it.

Anyway. Enough of that for now. I think that big changes are going to happen for me in the next few years, as I figure out how to put into practise in my daily, work life, all of the values and creativity that have been lying in wait inside of me. I need to find a path in my work and play that is more authentic and appropriate to who I am. I really need to do this. I don't know how it is going to happen or when, but I'm definitely starting to believe that Ottawa is too small for me. I'm not sure that I can find what I am looking for here. I will give it a good college try, though. In the end, it's all about the people. For some weird reason, however, I have a feeling that I will end up in either London or New York, at least for a while, or possibly some other European city. And I shouldn't even say European city. I'd be interested to go to Latin America, to Asia, or to Africa. Perhaps I should reapply to the foreign service, although I'd rather get somewhere else by doing something artistic or by doing something humanitarian in nature.

YOu know, I have SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much more to write about. But there is not time. Found out something very interesting on Friday night.

Stay tuned.

Oh OH OH! And the gala that I was invited to - it's a gala for that organization that furnishes apartments for refugees who have nothing. I had wanted to join them but didn't apply because I don't have a car. Anyhow. The really cool woman whom I know who used work as a rare mushrooms crew boss in the far north and who cycled across Peru and Bolivia is the one who invited me. It's on APril 4. And she has invited me to join her in her car to volunteer with that organization on Wednesdays. How great is that? Lucky. Lucky me.

11:04 p.m. - 2008-02-24

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