enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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When you face the worst in a situation you realize that it's actually laughable...

You know, I might not have anything to say tonight! I could cajole something from myself but mostly I just feel like turning things off, being quiet. I need to honour that.

I hate my job. Have I mentioned that? I had another trying afternoon with the trying senior economist who is always trying to practically take over my keyboard. It took effort not to strangle him.

But I've decided to focus on the worst case scenario - which won't actually come to pass - e.g. that I won't get a good performance review in April and so won't get promoted and then will have to look for another job and explain that I WAS doing very well and was promoted in my other department, but that I don't fit well in the one in which I currently reside.

Honestly, I find this to be productive thinking. It's thinking that tells me that the worst case scenario is nothing - it's not illness, it's not poverty (abject, anyhow - god I need a raise :)), it's not depression.

It's just work. Boring, irksome work, with tedious, chauvanistic, domineering and unnuance males.

Is there any other kind? ;)

Anyhow. So believe it or not I'm embracing this technique of allowing myself to imagine the most shaming and horrible experience possible in my current situation. I tried for a long time not to do this, but it works for me. I was always the kid who would wail and moan about having failed an exam and yet I never did fail an exam. Perhaps one could say that I wasted a great deal of energy in worrying, but I say that I was facing the worst outcome and learning that I wouldn't die from it.

Anyhow. This is all very confusing, I know. I guess the ponit is that I've realized that the worst conclusion here is this: I took the wrong job and I'm going to have to change to another one and rebuild a network and a reputation at that new job. I'm a hard worker and I'm smart. People invetably respect me in my jobs. This one just happens not to be a fit. Frankly, if I'm perfectly honest about it, I'm intensely bored in this job, and bored is not good. No one is his or her best self when he or she is bored. I need to honour myself - I could be doing SO much more with my life. The need to move may delay my career progression somewhat. But so what?

Who cares about work, anyhow? What I do care about is finally being in an environment in which the people are interesting to talk to and with whom I can just be me.

I think that that's it. I'm tired tonight.

Oh! Thank you, ladies, for your notes today. They picked me up!

I'm definitely not into the poet scientist. I'm definitely ready to wait for someone who lights me on fire. Even if it's only for a short while. I find the men in Ottawa kind of boring, honestly.

That's it. I'd better make some dinner. I was going to make my shrimp vindaloo with bok choy tonight, and I haven't even started! Harumph! Time to put on Hello Kitty! and get going.

Take care and sleep well!

8:46 p.m. - 2008-02-19

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other diaries:

stepfordtart
ohell
awittykitty
annanotbob
manfromvenus
smartypants
fifidellabon
hungryghost
hissandtell