enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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A little bit of sun on my soul today. Plus some skating and cookies. Nice!

A lot of writing this weekend, my friends. My apologies.

I've really taken things hard this week. I've been feeling down pretty much since Monday. I hardly had the energy to write during the week. And then this weekend when my foolish "hopes" were dashed re. a guy I don't even know, I dipped quite low.(Silly!)

I think that Claire set me straight. She was on a path in the last year to set herself free from some awful things in her past - and she did it with help from therapy, which I would do were I not always encountering utterly stupid counselors - and now she feels she is moving forward. It helps, too, that she finally got the promotions she had been waiting for for a long time. I wouldn't want to be stuck in her job, but she seems happy for now so I am happy for her. I didn't say anything.

Anyhow. SO getting out in the sunshine for a skate with her made me feel so much better, and I felt rather badly for dumping my problems a bit on her. She was very understanding. She basically said this: Do you get out much?

If you don't get out much you should get out more. When you're at home alone a lot you can lose perspective on your problems. I think she's exactly right. I've been losing perspective.

So I'm going to get out more. I don't know how or with whom, but I'm going to figure out what I can do to get out more. Not too much, just more.

It's been a tough year, with the job changes and my mother not talking to me. (And me feeling guilty for not wanting to talk to my mother anyhow, given that whenever I talk with her I feel drained and depressed about my life.)

It's always a vicious circle.

So I just have to try harder and harder. Every time I falter I have to get up again and try harder and harder. It is the only way to go. I just have to figure out a way to get happy and to like myself. I wish I knew the way. It is not easy. If I knew the way, as I did with the marathon, say, I could put in place the many little steps and actions to make it happen. Unfortunately I do not know the path to self-acceptance. It is very difficult to achieve.

Anyhow. Boring stuff. I'm trying to work through the process of taking responsibility for myself. I don't want to ever be a drain on other people. It's not fair.

That's it. I'm going to go for a run. I'm tired fo thinking about Afgh@nistan and the people on the radio are getting me down. Time to get some more fresh air.

Bon soiree!

5:08 p.m. - 2008-01-27

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